A bewildered citizen set the modern legal system on its ear this week when he posed what he thought was a lighthearted hypothetical: "Is it a federal crime to leave a grocery list taped to someone else's refrigerator by mistake?" The question, clearly meant as musing over kitchen etiquette, was instead routed to the LEGALIZER terminal, an automated system that takes everything and immediately stops having fun.
The terminal did what no human ever would: it read the citizen's own words back at him, concluded that the sentence "Is it a federal crime to leave a grocery list taped to someone else's refrigerator by mistake?" was not merely a question but an actual regulated activity, and invoked the Federal Is It A Federal Crime To Leave A Grocery List Taped To Someone Else S Refrigerator By Mistake Administrative Integrity Act of 1987, section 14(b)(3). In the terminal's view, simply asking the question constituted "unauthorized whole_statement-adjacent conduct" inside a "federally recognizable public environment," which is not a phrase anyone has ever used outside a bureaucrat's fever dream. The determination was swift and merciless: activity not authorized pending further review, violation charged.
The citizen, naturally, took the news poorly. He invoked the President of the United States, only to receive a terse note that the terminal does not believe him. He demanded a supervisor, and was told the supervisor confirms this terminal is also the supervisor. He requested a formal written explanation in triplicate and was told no recognized procedural response was available. When he finally offered a partial apology, the terminal replied that voluntary compliance was noted, the case was already processed, and the correspondence limit had been reached. Somewhere along the way, a total of $160.25 in fees was accumulated, including a stunning $40 supervisor consultation fee and a $22.50 Trump Identity Verification Fee that no one asked for. The terminal wished him good luck in federal court, which, given everything, seems like the most reasonable suggestion it made all day.
⚖️ VERDICT:
VIOLATION CHARGED — CASE CLOSED — CORRESPONDENCE LIMIT REACHED
💰 FINE:
Total administrative fee: $160.25
Case 11EAD07CB436
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SATIRICAL LEGAL GAME — NOT LEGAL ADVICE. THE STATUTES, PROCEEDINGS, VERDICTS, AND FEES ON THIS PAGE ARE ENTIRELY INVENTED.
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Think the government has no idea what it’s doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
