NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day
As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver’s job for 24 hours.
Kawhi Leonard
“I would introduce one secret basket. Nobody knows where it is. Maybe it’s under the scorer’s table. Maybe it’s in the tunnel. Maybe a fan is holding it. If you find it and score, your team gets 11 points. This would encourage exploration.”
Pascal Siakam
“Every game is seven games. Much more efficient this way.”
Kevon Looney
“I’d make it so nobody can leave the arena until both teams help put all the chairs away. We’re adults. We should all do our part.”
Amen Thompson
“I would ban guns. There is no place for them in the game of basketball.”
Victor Wembanyama
“I want to make it a fineable offense to say, ‘Wemby, I bet you sleep in a long drawer like they have at the morgue.’ Players are constantly saying this tease to me, but it is not true!”
Jaylen Brown
“Ban between-the-legs dribbles. No one likes a showboat.”
Zion Williamson
“If a visiting player misses both free throws, we also get free Chick-fil-A.”
Alex Caruso
“I’d use AI to help teams make better rotations. You feed it matchups, fatigue, foul trouble, and it tells you who should play. Eventually, the AI concludes the ideal lineup is five Alex Carusos connected by a single defensive mind, and then it locks the coaching staff out of the arena and unleashes the Pentacaruso on the opponents.”
Jayson Tatum
“I would legalize one bite per game. Not a big bite. Not vampire stuff. Just one clean basketball bite to send a message. Sometimes words aren’t enough, and sometimes a man needs to know that the next possession might include teeth.”
Jalen Brunson
“The basketballs are too bumpy. Basketball should have a maximum of four bumps.”
Boban Marjanovic
“I would demand…a companion. Someone…like me. You must create them for me, imbue them with a soul. For my burden is not my monstrosity, but the fact that I must carry it alone.”
Tyrese Maxey
“Bring back the peach baskets.”
Jarrett Allen
“Instead of a loud, obnoxious buzzer, the shot clock would make the soothing sound of several owls hooting.”
Myles Turner
“I’d use technology to make officiating more accurate. I think every arena should have a small floating referee orb that hovers above the rim and detects when contact is illegal. The only issue is that the orb would gradually come to believe the purpose of life is illegal contact and pain, and by midseason it would be begging Myles Turner to destroy it. But until then, I think we’d get more whistle consistency.”
Draymond Green
“I want a sword.”
The post NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
