Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps
ARLINGTON, VA—In what may be the largest-ever disclosure of government data concerning the mysterious aerial phenomena, Pentagon officials announced…
Category: The Onion
Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon
WASHINGTON—Promoting the unfounded assertion in an effort to improve his polling, President Donald Trump baselessly claimed during a White…
Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate
FREDERICKTOWN, MO—In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the beloved scenic hideaway, a multinational make-out conglomerate announced…
Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’
The post Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’ appeared first on…
U.S. Bans Foreign-Made Humanoid Robots
The FCC targeted China by banning the import of foreign-made humanoid robots, citing cybersecurity and national security concerns. What…
Powerball By The Numbers
Many U.S.-based players have reportedly stopped purchasing Powerball tickets in spite of a growing jackpot, believing the odds of…
Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU
BURBANK, CA—In a bold and shameless effort to expand their growing reach in the film industry, power-mad Marvel Studios…
Schools Deploy Pepper Spray Drones To Combat Shootings
Several schools across the U.S. are deploying pepper spray-dispensing drones in an effort to combat school shootings, an approach…
RFK Jr. Cooking Show Features Easy Weeknight Meals Using Ingredients Already In Own Body
WASHINGTON—Saying the convenience of the quick but nutritious entrees could not be beat, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert…
Chicagoans Over 25 Urged To Shelter In Place Until Lollapalooza Over
The post Chicagoans Over 25 Urged To Shelter In Place Until Lollapalooza Over appeared first on The Onion. Read…