In an absolutely expected plot twist, Disney — yes, that family-friendly empire of talking animals and princesses — has decided to take a hard left turn into the world of blood, guts, and depravity. After witnessing the independent horror flick «Terrifier 3» rake in almost $20 million in just one weekend on a meager $200K budget, Disney execs reportedly had a collective meltdown. Apparently, the solution to their recent string of box-office flops isn’t better writing or coherent storytelling. No, no. It’s chainsaws and cleavage.
Why invest in another heartfelt tale of a magical singing mermaid when you can just hack a few limbs off and call it a day? 🪓 Mickey’s gone rogue, folks, and it’s not looking pretty. In fact, Disney has already lined up ten sure-to-traumatize films over the next five years, covering every genre from slasher to soft porn (sorry, «adults only content»). Get ready for a whole new cinematic experience with titles like:
- «Finding Gore-y» 🧟♀️
- «Snow White and the Seven Strippers» 💃
- «Mulan Chainsaw Massacre» 🔪
- «The Little Machete Maid» 🧜♀️
- «Cinderella’s Bloody Slippers» 👠🩸
- «Goofy Gets Gutted» 🐶
- «The Lion Strips» 🦁
- «Beauty and the Beast… in Chains» ⛓️
- «Frozen: Human Popsicles» 🧊
- «Bambi’s Revenge: The Bloodening» 🦌🔫
Disney, once hailed for their magic and moral values, is now throwing decency to the wind like a blood-spattered tiara. Whether it’s «Empowerment Through Dismemberment» or «Princesses Gone Wild,» one thing’s for sure — your childhood memories are about to be obliterated faster than you can say “Hakuna Matata.” 🤡
