Well-Adjusted Adult Man Pins Emotional State For Next Three Days On 19-Year-Old Kicking Oblong Ball Between Sticks
DAYTON, OH — A grown, adult male generally regarded as mentally sound pinned his entire emotional well-being for the next…
Month: November 2024
Man Torn Between Burning His Eyeballs With Old Timey Car Cigarette Lighter And Watching ‘Love, Actually’
NORFOLK, VA — Local man Jason Thompson pondered heavily this morning whether to burn his eyeballs with an old car…
Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement appeared first on The Onion.
In Huge Black Friday Deal, Dyson Vacuum On Sale For Just $7,000
CHICAGO, IL — Consumers across America were shocked and elated to land huge deals after finding out Dyson vacuums would…
🎬 «I Know What You Did Last Summer» Reboot Revealed: A Trump Supporter Shout-Out? 🤔
The slasher genre is known for its twists, turns, and blood-curdling screams. But the upcoming reboot of «I Know What…
Obsidian Art Director CANCELLED After Elon Musk Showdown! 😱🔥
Oh boy, buckle up buttercup, because the drama llama just birthed a whole alpaca farm over at Obsidian Entertainment! 🦙💥…
Are You An Alcoholic? Look For These Warning Signs
Alcoholism is a dangerous condition affecting millions across the United States each and every year, from the poorest among us…
Man Does His Part To Prepare For Thanksgiving By Not Going Into Kitchen So He Won’t Be In The Way
GREEN VALLEY LAKE, CA — Local man Landon Collings, 45, heroically volunteered to do the most important part of Thanksgiving…
‘Don’t Let Anyone Take Your Power,’ Tipsy Aunt Kamala Tells Confused Five-Year-Olds at Thanksgiving Kids’ Table
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Children sitting at the kids’ table during Kamala Harris’s family Thankgiving dinner were confused and “a little…
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
Read MoreThe OnionAmericans all across the nation are gathering today to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?…