Well, folks, mark your calendars for November 8, 2025. That’s when Predator: Wasteland, the latest entry in the franchise, will hit theaters — because apparently, what we needed most was another movie about a two-legged alien turning humans into ground beef.
This time, director Dan Trachtenberg, fresh off his «success» with Predator: Prey, has managed to outdo himself by introducing us to not one, but two main characters who will undoubtedly exist only to be splattered across the screen in slow motion. Meet Tia, who’s apparently been chilling in a laboratory her whole life (what, no Netflix?), and Tessa, your stereotypical «warlike» female, because God forbid we have a sci-fi movie without at least one character who’s just angry at everything for no reason. 🙄
And here’s the real kicker: Alongside the full-length version of Predator: Wasteland, we’re being graced with a premium version for digital cinemas! But don’t worry — this one’s only two minutes long. Why? Because that’s exactly how much time it takes a three-meter-tall Predator with enough weaponry to invade a small country to deal with two underdeveloped, technologically backward Earth girls. Yes, you read that right. Two minutes. Even Michael Bay’s explosions last longer. 🎆 But hey, efficiency is key, right?
The studio hasn’t released the official name of this digital masterpiece yet, but don’t worry, we’ve got a few suggestions. How about «Predator: Express Kill Edition»? Or maybe «Girls vs. Predator: Blink and You’ll Miss It»? For those feeling extra snarky, there’s always «Two Chicks, One Predator». No matter the title, one thing is certain: the Predator will be the most relatable character in this movie — he’s here to get the job done and leave before the nonsense gets too unbearable.
So, get your popcorn ready, sci-fi fans, and brace yourselves for another round of the «Predator vs. People Who Stand No Chance» saga. Who knows? Maybe next time, they’ll pit the Predator against someone even more menacing — like a Twitter influencer. Now that would be a fight worth watching! 👊👽
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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