BROOKFIELD, WI—Tracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in an unknowing neighbor’s backyard. “As they approach the end of life, more people are eschewing burial and cremation in favor of having their children sneak into a neighbor’s garden when no one’s home to bury their bodies under the mulch,” said NFDA spokesperson Rachel Culver, whose organization projected that by 2030 a full 30% of Americans would be buried naked in an out-of-the-way spot where a neighbor was unlikely to discover their decaying body. “Burial in a neighbor’s backyard has many advantages over traditional options. The median cost of a coffin burial has skyrocketed to over $8,000, while the cost of a shovel has remained around $20. The backyard approach also doesn’t have the environmental impact of embalming or cremation, and neighbors really like how the azaleas start coming in after a secret burial. Relatives in mourning can visit their loved ones’ burial site anytime their neighbor is at work or asleep, and because funerals can be stressful and time consuming, there is a lot of appeal in just throwing the body over a fence and digging a hole behind the neighbor’s shed. It offers flexibility and only takes a few hours, depending on how deep you think the remains need to be placed to avoid detection. And it’s much less risky than other affordable alternatives, like sneaking them into a local landfill.” Culver added that despite the ease of burial in a neighbor’s backyard, many Americans were nonetheless opting to have their corpse dumped in the woods where bears could feast upon their flesh.
The post Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbor’s Backyard appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.