TJ Maxx Adds Meat

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FRAMINGHAM, MA—In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores.

Visits to multiple TJ Maxx locations confirmed that alongside their usual offerings of clothing, footwear, and home decor, the aisles of the bargain store were now filled with plastic-wrapped foam trays of ground chuck, boneless chicken breast, and sliced bacon. Speaking to reporters, company leaders spoke of a future in which the words “high-quality discount meat” would be synonymous with the name TJ Maxx.

“TJ Maxx is now sourcing surplus meat products from some of the finest brands in the country and passing the savings on to our loyal customers,” said the department store’s CEO, Ernie Herrman, who noted that patrons could expect to find overstock meat from name-brand suppliers in addition to items with minor defects, like irregular burger patties and bags of uncooked shrimp slightly past their expiration date. “You might have to do a little digging to find the meat you’re looking for, but that’s the kind of treasure hunting TJ Maxx shoppers love.”

“Our inventory will change with the season—in winter, there’ll be beef stew chunks for sale in the checkout line, and at Thanksgiving, we’ll have frozen turkeys thawing on the shelves,” he added. “But the one thing we’ll always offer is grocery-store meat-counter quality at outlet-mall prices.”

At a suburban Indiana location, customers told reporters they were thrilled by the addition, with many bypassing racks of women’s swimwear and embroidered throw pillows to dig through wire bins labeled “Summertime Lunch Meat” and “We Love Poultry to the Maxx.” Shoppers appeared excited as they held up loose chicken tenders they had found hidden underneath a pile of extra-large T-shirts, as well as links of bratwurst they discovered draped over a sale rack of belts and ties.

“I picked up four hot dogs on clearance, including one with an Oscar Mayer sticker on it, and over in the activewear section, I found a half-pound of olive loaf for $2.99 stuffed inside a running shoe,” 38-year-old customer Jennifer DiAmico said as she pulled a package of Hillshire Farms sliced turkey off a shelf where it had been placed next to an Alessia Bianchi handbag. “I just came to TJ Maxx hoping to buy a sundress and a hot wing platter, but I’m leaving with the kind of meat I thought you could only get at specialty butcher shops.”

DiAmico grew visibly enthused as she reached into a bin and pulled out an assorted bundle of unwrapped salami, four Perdue chicken thighs, a hunk of pork shoulder, and one Adidas flip-flop, all held together with a rubber band. The self-described “die-hard Maxxinista” estimated that all these items together, which the store had priced at $30, would cost $100 or more at Neiman Marcus.

Another shopper, 42-year-old David Sorenson, proudly showed reporters a Smithfield Hardwood Smoked Ham that he had spotted partially covered by a discarded bathrobe.

“This is the kind of treasure you can only find at TJ Maxx,” said Sorenson, adding that while the ham was “a little warmer than one you might find at the supermarket,” it was still one of his best finds ever at the discount store. “Smithfield is one of the top ham brands out there right now, so if someone sees me eating this, they’re going to assume it must have cost a fortune. I can’t wait to tell them I discovered it by pure chance at TJ Maxx.”

At press time, a fight had reportedly broken out among eager customers at a Denver-area TJ Maxx after an employee dumped a box filled with jean jackets and raw Italian sausage onto the floor of the store’s denim section.

The post TJ Maxx Adds Meat appeared first on The Onion.

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Finn

Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.

Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.

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