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Category: Breaking

‘Avengers: Doomsday’ and ‘Dune 3’s Opening Day Is Now Dunesday’ Because Screw Going Outside On A Wednesday I Guess
Breaking, Movie News

‘Avengers: Doomsday’ and ‘Dune 3’s Opening Day Is Now Dunesday’ Because Screw Going Outside On A Wednesday I Guess

FinnJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

Oh, look! The Hollywood Industrial Complex has decided to bless us with not one, but two massive ego-stroking spectacles on…

The Millions From Sanctioned Venezuelan Oil Sold by the U.S. Are Heading on a Qatari Shopping Spree Before the IRS Notices
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

The Millions From Sanctioned Venezuelan Oil Sold by the U.S. Are Heading on a Qatari Shopping Spree Before the IRS Notices

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

Trump’s 5D Chess: Sending Venezuelan Oil Money to Qatar Is a Masterstroke to Thwart Deep State Lawyers and Socialist Loopholes!…

Prime Video Says “Boi” To Accuracy, Casts Completely Unrelated Beefcake As Kratos For God of War
Breaking, Games News, Movie News

Prime Video Says “Boi” To Accuracy, Casts Completely Unrelated Beefcake As Kratos For God of War

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

Hold onto your Leviathan Axe and prepare your most dramatic sighs, gamers, because Sony and Amazon have finally decided to…

Possible Leaker To Washington Post Admits He ‘Mishandled Classified Information,’ DOJ Says
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Possible Leaker To Washington Post Admits He ‘Mishandled Classified Information,’ DOJ Says

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

Finally! A REAL President who isn’t afraid to crack down on the deep state and the Fake News media that…

Iran Streets Boringly Calm After Those Fun Protests, Everyone Go Home
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Iran Streets Boringly Calm After Those Fun Protests, Everyone Go Home

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

While the Fake News Media at CNN tries to paint a picture of “normalcy” in Iran, true patriots know the…

Dolls, Pencils, a Chicken, and a Broccoli Floret: The Trump Team’s Hilarious Scolding on How You Should Probably Just Eat Less
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Dolls, Pencils, a Chicken, and a Broccoli Floret: The Trump Team’s Hilarious Scolding on How You Should Probably Just Eat Less

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

LIBERAL MEDIA LOSES ITS MIND OVER AMERICAN FAMILIES SAVING MONEY (Sponsored by Big Doll) CNN and their so-called “journalists” are…

WITHIN TEMPTATION and SMASH INTO PIECES Somehow Manage to Not Explode During ‘Somebody Like You’ Video
Breaking, Music News

WITHIN TEMPTATION and SMASH INTO PIECES Somehow Manage to Not Explode During ‘Somebody Like You’ Video

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

Step right up, music lovers, and witness the symphonic miracle! 🎭 Your favorite symphonic metal overlords, WITHIN TEMPTATION, have decided…

Analysis: Is Trump Serious About Buying Greenland? Let’s Map Out This 4D Chess Masterstroke
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Analysis: Is Trump Serious About Buying Greenland? Let’s Map Out This 4D Chess Masterstroke

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

President Donald J. Trump is playing 4D chess while the weak-kneed globalists in Copenhagen are busy melting down. He’s dead…

What Happened to Minneapolis Businesses When ICE Came to Town And Absolutely Nobody Asked for a Receipt
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

What Happened to Minneapolis Businesses When ICE Came to Town And Absolutely Nobody Asked for a Receipt

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

EL BURRITO MERCADO: Democrats in Minnesota Panic as President Trump’s Patriot ICE Raids Expose the Woke Economy! President Trump’s second…

75% of Americans Say Leave Greenland Alone Because Nobody Wants to Visit a Frozen Florida
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

75% of Americans Say Leave Greenland Alone Because Nobody Wants to Visit a Frozen Florida

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

CNN’s Newest Fake News Poll: Weak-Kneed Liberals Cower as President Trump Makes America GIANT Again! In a hilarious new “poll”…

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Latest posts

  • More Overhyped Shows And Movies To Make You Forget You Have Responsibilities And A Social Life In June 2026
  • Computex 2026: AMD Throws a Party for Ancient AM4 Tech and Slaps a Cheap Sticker on New Stuff to Make You Feel Better About Buying Last Year’s Rejects
  • DAVID DRAIMAN Claims DISTURBED’s New Songs Are So Groundbreakingly Original You’ll Forget They’re The Same Band That’s Been Playing The Same Riff For 20 Years
  • Blue Moon because who needs actual moonwalking skills when you can just trudge through a marsh in Scarborough
  • Overpriced Raw Fish and Questionable Life Choices Await at The Sushi Social Bites Bottles

Editorial
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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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