Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John’s
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in…
Category: The Onion
U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables
LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were…
Mom Takes Hushed Monologue In Movie As Cue To Go To Kitchen, Wash 5 Pots
PENSACOLA, FL—Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy…
Lea Michele Shows Off Ability To Make Co-Star Cry On Command
NEW YORK—Telling everyone to count down as she turned to her colleague, actress Lea Michele reportedly showed off her…
JD Vance To Personally Care For Chickens At Naval Observatory
JD Vance has commissioned a custom chicken coop to be installed at the official Vice Presidential residence at the…
Trump Warns U.S. Will No Longer Protect G7 From Threat Of Jigsaw
ÉVIAN-LES-BAINS, FRANCE—Claiming their failure to help America would now leave the nations incredibly vulnerable to the danger of shotgun…
New York City Mayor Presents Knicks With Key To His Car
The post New York City Mayor Presents Knicks With Key To His Car appeared first on The Onion. The…
OG Anunoby Sends Parade Crowd Into Frenzy With Celebratory Nod
The post OG Anunoby Sends Parade Crowd Into Frenzy With Celebratory Nod appeared first on The Onion. The post…
Millions Of New Yorkers Show Up To Celebrate Plucky Underdog James Dolan
The post Millions Of New Yorkers Show Up To Celebrate Plucky Underdog James Dolan appeared first on The Onion.…
Accidental Mention Of Guest House Blows Years Of Subterfuge To Conceal Family’s Wealth From Friends
ST. LOUIS—Immediately ruining decades of graceful maneuvering to avoid discussion of the specific details of her upbringing, area woman…