Report: Wife Hasn’t Been Home In Few Days
Read MoreThe OnionMEDINA, OH—Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report…
Category: The Onion
Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly appeared first on…
Researchers Taste Miso Fermented In Space
Read MoreThe OnionScientists recently had the opportunity to taste a batch of “space miso” fermented for 30 days aboard the…
Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in…
Sarah Miller
Read MoreThe OnionSarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son’s erratic driving was “going to get [them]…
U.S. Imposes Tariffs On Remote Island Of Penguins And Seals
Read MoreThe OnionThe U.S. Commerce Secretary defended the country’s decision to impose tariffs on Heard and McDonald Islands, an uninhabited…
Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space appeared first…
NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp
Read MoreThe OnionHUNTSVILLE, AL—Confirming that the group’s long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued…
Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked…
Galapagos Tortoises Become First-Time Parents At 100
Read MoreThe OnionA pair of critically endangered, nearly 100-year-old Galapagos tortoises at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents, with…