Aaron Rodgers Takes Blame For Parts Of Game Where Jets Were Winning
Read MoreThe OnionFLORHAM PARK, NJ—Apologizing to fans and pledging to do better in the future, New York Jets quarterback Aaron…
Category: The Onion
Girlfriend Keeps Dropping Hints About Wanting 17-Hectare Mausoleum Complex
Read MoreThe OnionSPARTA, OH—Noting that her desires were becoming increasingly less subtle, local man Tommy Hull confirmed Monday that his…
American Express Launches Small Sweatshop Saturday
Read MoreThe OnionNEW YORK—In an effort to support factories that exploit cheap labor but employ 50 or fewer people, American…
Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement appeared first on The Onion.
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
Read MoreThe OnionAmericans all across the nation are gathering today to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?…
FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and…
Manifest Dunce-ity
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Jack Smith Drops Election Interference Case Against Trump
Read MoreThe OnionSpecial Counsel Jack Smith requested that all federal charges be dropped against President-elect Trump over his alleged efforts…
Barron Trump Returns Home To Find Melania Converted Room To Unending Labyrinth Of Darkness
Read MoreThe OnionPALM BEACH, FL—Sighing as he pulled on the head of a gargoyle while searching for a secret entrance…
Fallopian Tube
Read MoreThe OnionWho says ectopic pregnancy has to be a bad thing? Pending a medically necessary eviction, this luxurious short-term…