Biden Commutes 1,500 Prison Sentences
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Joe Biden commuted the sentences of roughly 1,500 people who were released from prison and placed on…
Category: The Onion
A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron
Read MoreThe OnionWe have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars…
Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour By The Numbers
Read MoreThe OnionAfter nearly two years, Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour has at last concluded, grossing over $2 billion in ticket…
Take Me To Your Girlboss
Read MoreThe OnionBy Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of…
‘The Harvest!’ Shrieks Forgetful Amish Guy
Read MoreThe OnionLANCASTER, PA—Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy…
Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations
Read MoreThe OnionWhether you’re spending time with cherished family members or new friends, skipping small talk and diving into deeper…
Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man
Read MoreThe OnionMANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a…
Emotional Nation Gathers Outside Main Street TV Store To Watch Monster Truck Land On Smaller Truck
Read MoreThe OnionABILENE, KS—Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered…
Assad Flees Syria After Rebels Capture Damascus
Read MoreThe OnionThe Assad family’s decades-long reign in Syria came to an abrupt end when rebel forces captured Damascus after…
College Student Explains What It Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine In Frat House
Read MoreThe OnionThe post College Student Explains What It Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine…