HOUSTON—Instituting the health mandate in order to ensure proper acclimation to the reduced gravity of Earth’s only natural satellite, NASA officials announced Wednesday that it would require astronauts in training to drop down to 25 pounds in order to simulate their weight on the moon. “We want to be as thorough as possible in our preparations, so forcing potential astronauts to continuously fast and exercise until they lose most of their body weight is now the first step in training,” said NASA’s flight operations director Grant Haywood, who explained that the lunar surface can be a challenge to navigate because a person weighs less there than they do on Earth, and having previously undergone a sudden and dramatic loss of weight can help ease that transition. “So far, of the 45 trainees who have participated in this new regimen, the three who have survived are some of the most well-prepared astronauts we’ve ever seen, and NASA hopes to send them on a lunar expedition as soon as they leave the hospital.” Haywood went on to state that these drastically slimmed-down astronauts were following in the footsteps of Neil Armstrong, who only weighed about nine pounds before his historic moonwalk.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
