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Category: The Onion

Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share
The Onion

Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share

FinnSeptember 8, 2026

       MIAMI—Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team’s star players, the Miami Marlins…

More Men Receiving Shock Wave Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction
The Onion

More Men Receiving Shock Wave Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction

FinnSeptember 8, 2026

       The number of American men receiving low-energy sound waves to treat their erectile dysfunction is on the rise despite…

Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse
The Onion

Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse

FinnSeptember 8, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief’s physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump’s health swirled…

CDC Successfully Eradicates Children
The Onion

CDC Successfully Eradicates Children

FinnSeptember 7, 2026

       ATLANTA—Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for…

Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of ‘GTA IX’
The Onion

Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of ‘GTA IX’

FinnSeptember 4, 2026

       EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games…

What To Know About ‘Earle Meets World’
The Onion

What To Know About ‘Earle Meets World’

FinnSeptember 4, 2026

       Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflix’s newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you…

MapQuest Jumps To Top Of App Store After Refusing To Rename ‘Lake Ontario’
The Onion

MapQuest Jumps To Top Of App Store After Refusing To Rename ‘Lake Ontario’

FinnSeptember 3, 2026

       Legacy mapping tool MapQuest shot up to become the top navigation app in Apple’s app store after refusing to…

Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92
The Onion

Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92

FinnSeptember 3, 2026

       The post Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92 appeared first on The Onion.     Read…

Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck
The Onion

Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck

FinnSeptember 3, 2026

       MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they’re going, Google…

Tim Kurkjian Quits ‘Baseball Tonight’ After Discovering MMA
The Onion

Tim Kurkjian Quits ‘Baseball Tonight’ After Discovering MMA

FinnSeptember 2, 2026

       BRISTOL, CT—Claiming he was now convinced he had wasted his life covering “a little boy sport,” longtime ESPN analyst…

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