In case you missed it (you lucky soul), Coldplay’s Moon Music has predictably skyrocketed to the top of the American album charts. And how could it not? With no less than EIGHT different vinyl editions, SIX CD versions, and a buffet of discounted download deals, it’s hard not to feel like you’re missing out if you don’t own all 18 permutations of Chris Martin wailing over some piano chords. But fear not, if you’re unsure which version to grab, there’s always the exclusive Target edition, because who doesn’t want three extra tracks while they impulse-buy throw pillows and cheese sticks?
Naturally, the geniuses over at the Atlantic label decided they didn’t need to wait for Coldplay’s new «masterpiece» to start assaulting our eardrums in coffee shops and elevator rides. Oh no, they went full throttle and immediately uploaded «Moon Music» to the playlists of supermarkets, hypermarkets, and the particularly dangerous sweet departments. The logic? Apparently, Coldplay’s music is scientifically engineered to make you buy more donuts. Because nothing screams «I need a pack of jelly-filled pastries» like Chris Martin’s existential woooo-hooooos echoing through the aisles.
In a surprising twist that no one asked for, both the label and the band confidently claim that Moon Music is not only chart-topping but also sales-boosting. Forget discounts, forget coupons — just let Chris’ sugary vocals guide you to the candy aisle. And in today’s cutthroat retail world, this is basically revolutionary. Need to double your candy sales? Slap on some Coldplay and watch shoppers inexplicably toss extra bags of gummy bears into their carts. It’s practically economic theory now.
But let’s be real: how long can we continue functioning as a society when our major food choices are dictated by Coldplay? How are we supposed to pick out sensible groceries while being serenaded by Martin’s cries of lost love and the meaning of life? If this is what the future holds for music — a soundtrack to picking out donuts — then maybe it’s time to fast for a bit. 🍩
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
