SEATTLE—In an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. “Stop by any Starbucks between 8 and 9 a.m. to enjoy your free cake pop without having to worry you’ll get stuck in line with a dozen rowdy teenagers ordering Trenta Energy Refreshers and whispering about your outfit,” said spokesman Tim Freedly, who added that all baristas working the teen-free hours would be at least 20 years old in order to accommodate customers apprehensive about being judged. “We know your sad little birthday treat is the highlight of your day, and we want to honor that by ensuring you won’t be dunked on by high schoolers who think you’re lame. We’ll be offering a pared-down menu during this time so you can get in and out without feeling like everyone’s judging you for taking too long to decide what to order.” At press time, the company confirmed plans to expand teen-free hours after immediate positive feedback from both patrons and employees.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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