With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet.
Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like “flavor.”
Buy fresh, frozen, or canned jerky.
Limit your krill consumption to 16 tons a day if you’re a blue whale, or 9 tons if you’re a humpback.
There is a healer to the north who can cleanse your flavored rice packets of cursed sodium, but beware: The journey to his abode is fraught with peril.
Consider only eating on special occasions.
Avoid temptation by throwing away the three salt packets from Wendy’s that have been in your glove compartment since 2022.
Ask your slug friends what they like to drink and eat.
Do that thing where you halfheartedly brush off a handful of salt flakes from one of those big pretzels and act like that makes it healthy.
Fuck this. You already cut down on sugar.
The post Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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