WASHINGTON—Touting her overall cruelty and particular delight at making others feel miserably self-conscious, the White House on Monday tapped a mean teenager from a Zara fitting room as its new press secretary. “Madison [Rhodes] has been on our radar ever since she humiliated a total stranger at a Zara changing area and sent her fleeing the store in tears,” said White House communications director Steven Cheung, recalling how the 16-year-old loudly once told a friend that the nearby customer needed to lose 30 pounds of back fat before going anywhere that ribbed tank top. “When our background check revealed that Madison had also mocked the accent of the cashier at the boba tea place and started spreading rumors for no real reason that her bestie was the official blow-job princess of the wrestling team, we were elated. And once we found out she’d cyberbullied at least three classmates into eating disorder treatment, we knew without a doubt that this was the stone-cold bitch we wanted to belittle the White House press corps for years to come.” According to sources, at least half a dozen White House correspondents had hanged themselves within hours of Rhodes’ first briefing.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
