ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released…
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YES Announces ‘The Fragile Tour 2025: We’re Still Milking This Album Series’
Behold! 👴 The geriatric prog-rock behemoth YES, now consisting of Steve Howe (guitars, vocals, and probably dentures), Geoff Downes (keyboards,…
AVATAR’s New Album: Finally, Music Even *WE* Can’t Understand
Oh, SWEET, another band thinks they’re reinventing the wheel! 🙄 Johannes Eckerström, the voice 🗣️ of Swedish metal “masters” AVATAR,…
Baby Outraged As Person Holding Him Is Not Standing Up
TULSA, OK — A local baby was outraged this morning after realizing the adult holding him was sitting in a…
Zelda Movie Delayed: Prepare for Disappointment in Slightly Less Time
Oh, NOOOO! 😱 Nintendo, in their infinite wisdom (or maybe just infinite procrastination), has decided that the upcoming live-action The…
Fortnite x The Simpsons: Prepare for Peak Gaming Stupidity
Oh, sweet RNGesus, another crossover? 🙄 Apparently, according to some “leakers” (aka basement dwellers with too much time on their…
Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Telling reporters that the move would do much to combat low U.S. fertility rates, President Donald Trump issued…
Keanu by the Gram: 15 Minutes of John Wick in Ballerina Gets Its Own Movie
In a move that screams both desperation and capitalist brilliance, Summit Entertainment is releasing a standalone film made entirely out…
Xbox Games Showcase 2025: Finally, A Fighting Game Where You Can Actually Lose
OMG! 🤩 Another superhero game? Seriously? 🙄 Like we don’t have enough of those already! But wait, it’s based on…
Seagate Drops a 4TB Storage Expansion Card for Xbox Series X|S Owners Who Hate Money
Oh, sweet merciful gaming gods! 🙏 Seagate, bless their cotton socks, has bestowed upon us, the unwashed masses of Xbox…