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Category: Breaking

Melania Trump’s New Doc: A Decade-Long Stalker Reveals All (No, Really)
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Melania Trump’s New Doc: A Decade-Long Stalker Reveals All (No, Really)

Big ElephantJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Melania Trump’s “Documentary” Is Just Another Vanity Project to Line Her Pockets So Melania Trump’s new “documentary” is out, and…

“Iran’s Internet Blackout: Protesters Crushed, Skylar Thompson Guest Stars on CNNi in a Plot Twist No One Saw Coming (Except PSEG1, Obviously)”
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

“Iran’s Internet Blackout: Protesters Crushed, Skylar Thompson Guest Stars on CNNi in a Plot Twist No One Saw Coming (Except PSEG1, Obviously)”

Big ElephantJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Wow, Iran’s crackdown on protesters and internet blackout? What a shocker! Looks like the mullahs are getting desperate now that…

“DNA Expert Takes the Stand as Convicted Killer of Laken Riley Tries to Wiggle Out of His Fate”
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

“DNA Expert Takes the Stand as Convicted Killer of Laken Riley Tries to Wiggle Out of His Fate”

Big ElephantJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Desperate Defense Tries DNA Houdini Act in Laken Riley Murder Case Jose Ibarra’s legal team is pulling out all the…

METALLICA Declares Victorious in Epic Battle of the Marching Bands – “For Whom The Band Tolls!” Collegiate Edition!
Breaking, Music News

METALLICA Declares Victorious in Epic Battle of the Marching Bands – “For Whom The Band Tolls!” Collegiate Edition!

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Oh no, not another marching band competition! 😩 As if the world needed more reasons for high school students to…

Trump picks Kevin Warsh to oust Jerome Powell as Fed overlord, because why not shake up the economy for fun?
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump picks Kevin Warsh to oust Jerome Powell as Fed overlord, because why not shake up the economy for fun?

Big ElephantJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

TRUMP TAPS WISHY-WASHY WARCHILD TO LEAD FED, LIBS CRY FOUL Well folks, it’s official – President Trump just dropped another…

CNN’s Don Lemon Found in Custody, Probably Just Wanted a Better Guest List
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

CNN’s Don Lemon Found in Custody, Probably Just Wanted a Better Guest List

Big ElephantJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Breaking: Don Lemon Gets Arrested While Trying to Be the Next MLK (Spoiler: He Failed) Well, well, well… look who…

Luigi Mangione dodges lethal injection, judge says “nah fam, let’s not”
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Luigi Mangione dodges lethal injection, judge says “nah fam, let’s not”

Big ElephantJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Yet Another Win for Woke Lunacy: Mangione Won’t Face Death Penalty for Murdering CEO Oh, look, folks! Another shining example…

“Breaking: Don Lemon Finally Cuffed – CNN’s Own Anchor Arrested in Shocking Twist!”
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

“Breaking: Don Lemon Finally Cuffed – CNN’s Own Anchor Arrested in Shocking Twist!”

Big ElephantJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Oh no, poor Don Lemon—the radical leftist “journalist” who suddenly found himself in handcuffs after allegedly inciting chaos at a…

MICK MARS’s Attorney Goes Full Meltdown: ‘This Arbitrator’s Ruling Is So Dumb It Hurts’
Breaking, Music News

MICK MARS’s Attorney Goes Full Meltdown: ‘This Arbitrator’s Ruling Is So Dumb It Hurts’

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Well, well, well, look who’s crying foul now — Mick Mars, the guy who once shredded solos like a caffeinated…

Why Netflix is Finally Getting Off Its Couch to Conquer Cloud-First Gaming in 2026
Breaking, Games News

Why Netflix is Finally Getting Off Its Couch to Conquer Cloud-First Gaming in 2026

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 30, 2026January 30, 2026

Netflix: Now Streaming Games, Because Why Not? Netflix is back at it again, throwing spaghetti at the wall to see…

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Latest posts

  • SONNY SANDOVAL On P.O.D.’s Upcoming LP: ‘It’s Definitely Not Going to Be a Trainwreck and Will Totally Not Be Forgotten in a Month’
  • Zack Snyder to Ruin Another Classic with His Signature Brand of Soulless Explosions in the Totally Necessary Remake of Escape From New York
  • Because You Clearly Need an Excuse to Eat a Whole Bowl of Ice Cream the Jimmy Fund Scooper Bowl
  • Ryan Holiday is Finally Going to Say Something Deep and You’ll Forget it 5 Minutes Later
  • When Jim Carrey joins Billy Corgan 🎃

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Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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