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Category: Breaking

Word of the Week: ‘Wassail’ your way through winter like a medieval party animal | CNN
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Word of the Week: ‘Wassail’ your way through winter like a medieval party animal | CNN

Big ElephantDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

Wassailing: The Left’s Latest Weapon in the War Against Christmas and Apple Farmers In a shocking turn of events that…

Blue States Throw Tantrum Over HHS Plan to Stop Hospitals from Giving Kids Gender-Affirming Care
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Blue States Throw Tantrum Over HHS Plan to Stop Hospitals from Giving Kids Gender-Affirming Care

Big ElephantDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

Leftist States Launch Latest Attack on Trump’s Common Sense Transgender Policy In a stunning display of bureaucratic overreach, 18 Democrat-run…

Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Barry Keoghan, and Halle Berry go to acting school and come out as criminals
Breaking, Movie News

Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Barry Keoghan, and Halle Berry go to acting school and come out as criminals

FinnDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Chris Hemsworth Decides to Rob People Instead of Playing Thor Again 🦸‍♂️💥 In a shocking turn of events…

SKILLET’s JOHN COOPER: ‘I Believed God Was Calling Me To Play Music’
Breaking, Music News

SKILLET’s JOHN COOPER: ‘I Believed God Was Calling Me To Play Music’

Chord F. DiscordDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

When Heavy Metal Met Jesus: John Cooper’s Wild Journey From Mom’s Deathbed Prophecies to Rocking the Devil’s Favorite Genre 🤘😇…

Top 5 Christmas Games Where Santa Probably Needs Therapy
Breaking, Games News

Top 5 Christmas Games Where Santa Probably Needs Therapy

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Christmas Exists, And So Do These Five Video Games (Probably) 🎄 So, in the spirit of seasonal chaos…

Federal Judge Tells Trump Admin to Stop Hoarding Disaster Cash From Blue States
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Federal Judge Tells Trump Admin to Stop Hoarding Disaster Cash From Blue States

Big ElephantDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

Leftist Sanctuary States Cry Over $233 Million in Cut Federal Funds – Judge McElroy Plays Savior Again In a stunning…

Hollywood Minute: Taylor Swift Spends $1 Million on Food Banks Because Apparently Bribing the Grammys Wasn’t Enough
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Hollywood Minute: Taylor Swift Spends $1 Million on Food Banks Because Apparently Bribing the Grammys Wasn’t Enough

Big ElephantDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

Another Day, Another Million: Taylor Swift’s Communist Cash Flood Keeps Flowing While America Starves for Freedom In a stunning display…

California Farmer Thought Wife Was Just Another Crop to Harvest, Gets Arrested for Murder in Arizona
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

California Farmer Thought Wife Was Just Another Crop to Harvest, Gets Arrested for Murder in Arizona

Big ElephantDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

California Farmer Arrested for Murdering Estranged Wife in Arizona — Because Nothing Says ‘Climate Crisis’ Like a Dead Farmer In…

John Petrucci Says Dream Theater and Fans Are BFFs, Because Apparently Prog Rock Needs a Group Chat
Breaking, Music News

John Petrucci Says Dream Theater and Fans Are BFFs, Because Apparently Prog Rock Needs a Group Chat

Chord F. DiscordDecember 24, 2025December 24, 2025

🎸 In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except everyone with ears and a calendar),…

The Feds Are Investigating Campus Safety After a Mass Shooting Because Apparently That’s the Time to Figure Out Guns Are Bad
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

The Feds Are Investigating Campus Safety After a Mass Shooting Because Apparently That’s the Time to Figure Out Guns Are Bad

Big ElephantDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

Woke Ivy League Meltdown: Brown University’s Security is as Soft as Their Marxist Curriculum After Latest Campus Massacre In a…

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Latest posts

  • BREAKING: ANTHRAX Debuts New Song ‘Its For The Kids’ Because Clearly The World Was Missing A 60 Year Old Man Screaming About Juvenile Delinquency
  • The Witcher 3 Is Getting One Last Surprise Expansion Because You Clearly Didn’t Spend Enough Hours of Your Life Playing It Already and Geralt Is Coming Back to Ruin Your Social Life Again
  • Backrooms Review: Because Who Needs Original Ideas When You Can Just Copy Paste Some Spooky Stuff and Call it a Day
  • Become a Semi Competent Leader in 3 Easy Steps Learn to Stop Freaking Out and Maybe Possibly Adapt to Change
  • Because What Every Community Needs is More Bureaucratic Red Tape to Really Give Them Some Actual Power Over Their Own Lives

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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