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Category: Breaking

Watch Jessica Chastain and Isaác Hernández in the trailer for Dreams (Spoiler: It’s Not a Netflix Show About Sleepwalking)
Breaking, Movie News

Watch Jessica Chastain and Isaác Hernández in the trailer for Dreams (Spoiler: It’s Not a Netflix Show About Sleepwalking)

FinnDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

Hold onto your tamales, folks, because Jessica Chastain just decided to trade in her Oscar for a one-way ticket to…

Epstein Survivor Declares We Are Not Imaginary, Despite What the Conspiracy Theorists Say
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Epstein Survivor Declares We Are Not Imaginary, Despite What the Conspiracy Theorists Say

Big ElephantDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

Epstein Survivor Claims She’s Not a Hoax: The Left’s Latest Victim Narrative Exposed In a stunning display of what can…

GDP Report Shows US Economy Sped Up Like It Just Chugged a Red Bull
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

GDP Report Shows US Economy Sped Up Like It Just Chugged a Red Bull

Big ElephantDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

Trump’s America Just Dropped an Economic Bombshell—Leftists Are Fuming In a stunning blow to the liberal narrative, the U.S. economy…

TOBIAS FORGE Finally Explains Where GHOST Gets All Its Cool Ghost Stories (Spoiler: Not From His Grandma)
Breaking, Music News

TOBIAS FORGE Finally Explains Where GHOST Gets All Its Cool Ghost Stories (Spoiler: Not From His Grandma)

Chord F. DiscordDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

Move over, Shakespeare — there’s a new drama king in town, and he’s wearing a papal robe, face paint, and…

Chris Evans Is Back and So Is Our Will to Live, Apparently
Breaking, Movie News

Chris Evans Is Back and So Is Our Will to Live, Apparently

FinnDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Marvel Announces ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ – Because Apparently, Retirement Is Just a Suggestion, Not a Commitment 🚨 In a…

Pete Koller Claims Lou Koller Finally Sheds 70 Pounds of Tumor Weight
Breaking, Music News

Pete Koller Claims Lou Koller Finally Sheds 70 Pounds of Tumor Weight

Chord F. DiscordDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Lou Koller’s Esophagus is Having a Midlife Crisis and Started a Tumor Cult 🚨 😱🍔➡️🦠 In a plot…

“It’s Hard to Be Merry When Your Boss Cuts Your Budget Like a Bad Haircut—VA Workers Get Hiring Freeze Gift Just in Time for Christmas”
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

“It’s Hard to Be Merry When Your Boss Cuts Your Budget Like a Bad Haircut—VA Workers Get Hiring Freeze Gift Just in Time for Christmas”

Big ElephantDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

The VA’s War on Veterans: Another Day, Another Bureaucratic Bloodbath in Biden’s America In a stunning twist that absolutely no…

ICE Detains Woman Who Insists She’s Actually a U.S. Citizen, Lawyer Says in Bold Legal Move
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

ICE Detains Woman Who Insists She’s Actually a U.S. Citizen, Lawyer Says in Bold Legal Move

Big ElephantDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

Leftist Judge Blocks ICE Deportation of “Mystery Woman” After Politically Motivated Raid In a stunning twist that has local officials…

Ben Sasse Announces Pancreatic Cancer Diagnosis, Confirms He’s Basically Already a Ghost
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Ben Sasse Announces Pancreatic Cancer Diagnosis, Confirms He’s Basically Already a Ghost

Big ElephantDecember 23, 2025December 23, 2025

Ben Sasse, the Trump-critic-turned-University-of-Florida-flunky-turned-cancer-patient, has finally found a worthy opponent: his own pancreas. In a stunning turn of events, the…

PAUL DI’ANNO Left Us a Live Album Because Apparently Dying Wasn’t Enough Drama
Breaking, Music News

PAUL DI’ANNO Left Us a Live Album Because Apparently Dying Wasn’t Enough Drama

Chord F. DiscordDecember 22, 2025December 22, 2025

The Metal Messiah’s Posthumous Encore: Paul Di’Anno’s Ghost Band Drops Live Album from Beyond the Grave 🎤⚰️ In a move…

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Latest posts

  • Become a Semi Competent Leader in 3 Easy Steps Learn to Stop Freaking Out and Maybe Possibly Adapt to Change
  • Because What Every Community Needs is More Bureaucratic Red Tape to Really Give Them Some Actual Power Over Their Own Lives
  • Get Ready for the Most Epic Traffic Jam of the Year at 2026 FuelFest Bay Area
  • Because Hackers Love Homework Too Let’s Strengthen K-12 Cybersecurity Already
  • Media Molecule’s Next Game Will Probably Be a Reboot of Knack with a Battle Royale Mode and a Subscription Service

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Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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