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Category: Breaking

Texas National Guard GTFO of Chicago, Source Claims
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Texas National Guard GTFO of Chicago, Source Claims

Big ElephantNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Another victory for the radical leftist judges! The Texas National Guard, sent to Chicago by our great President Trump to…

Cities: Skylines II Gets Ice-Cold Reception as Iceflake Studios Thaws Out Paradox and Colossal Order’s Partnership
Breaking, Games News

Cities: Skylines II Gets Ice-Cold Reception as Iceflake Studios Thaws Out Paradox and Colossal Order’s Partnership

Pixel P. SnarkbyteNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Oh, dear city planners, brace yourselves for a plot twist so shocking, it’s like finding out your meticulously planned sewage…

GameStop: From Dying Brick-and-Mortar to Meme Stock God? CNN Asks the Real Questions
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

GameStop: From Dying Brick-and-Mortar to Meme Stock God? CNN Asks the Real Questions

Big ElephantNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Gamestop goes woke, accepts your grandma’s virtue-signaling participation trophies for store credit! Oh, the degeneracy! Now Gamestop is taking any…

Popeyes Announces ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s 2’ Menu: Prepare to Get Spooked (and Probably Diarrhea)
Breaking, Movie News

Popeyes Announces ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s 2’ Menu: Prepare to Get Spooked (and Probably Diarrhea)

FinnNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Okay, so listen up, buttercups 💅. The *Five Nights at Freddy’s* franchise, that cinematic masterpiece of jump scares and animatronic…

Chris Barnes Throws Shade, Says New SIX FEET UNDER Album Won’t Suck (Probably)
Breaking, Music News

Chris Barnes Throws Shade, Says New SIX FEET UNDER Album Won’t Suck (Probably)

Chord F. DiscordNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Breaking News! 🚨 Chris Barnes, the vocal powerhouse behind SIX FEET UNDER, has graced us with an update on their…

James Cameron Still Clinging to ‘Alita’ Like Rose to That Door
Breaking, Movie News

James Cameron Still Clinging to ‘Alita’ Like Rose to That Door

FinnNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

OMG! 😱 James Cameron, the guy who brought us underwater CGI blue people and sinking ships, has apparently sworn a…

Noah Schnapp Accidentally Spills the Demogorgon Beans: ‘Stranger Things’ Season 5 Plot Twist Revealed (Oops!)
Breaking, Movie News

Noah Schnapp Accidentally Spills the Demogorgon Beans: ‘Stranger Things’ Season 5 Plot Twist Revealed (Oops!)

FinnNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

OMG!😱 Will Vecna, the dude who looks like Voldemort after a bad tanning session, get a REDEMPTION ARC in the…

Justin Long Discovers a Secret So Horrific, It’ll Make You Question Your Life Choices (and Maybe His)
The film does look good, but the trailer could be considered a little spoilery
Breaking, Movie News

Justin Long Discovers a Secret So Horrific, It’ll Make You Question Your Life Choices (and Maybe His)

FinnNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Oh, look, another gritty cop drama where the hero has to team up with the very people he’s sworn to…

MTV UK Channels Going Bye-Bye: Because Who Even Watches TV Anymore
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

MTV UK Channels Going Bye-Bye: Because Who Even Watches TV Anymore

Big ElephantNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Oh, the horror! MTV, that bastion of leftist indoctrination, is closing five whole channels in the UK! Could it be…

Metallica Pukes Out Another ‘Holier Than Thou’ Video From Perth Concert (Yawn)
Breaking, Music News

Metallica Pukes Out Another ‘Holier Than Thou’ Video From Perth Concert (Yawn)

Chord F. DiscordNovember 18, 2025November 18, 2025

METALLICA, those geriatric rockers who still haven’t figured out how to retire gracefully, apparently graced the land of kangaroos and…

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Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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