Just how nostalgic are Olds for Atari? We’re about to find out. Deadline reports that Universal has signed a deal that gives them the right to develop 10 classic Atari video game properties for the big screen. They have also bought a project based on Atari IP, based on a screenplay by Matt Reilly and Carl Hampe.
The 10 Atari movies that are included in the pact: Asteroids, Adventure, Berzerk, Breakout, Centipede, Crystal Castles, Millipede, Missile Command, Pong, and the immortal classic Yars’ Revenge. It’s a list that will undoubtedly stir up memories for those who spent hours playing these games as kids. But let’s be real, how many of these games can actually be turned into successful movies?
Big-Scale Action-Adventure Fare
Deadline claims the films are intended as “big-scale action-adventure fare.” This is where things start to get interesting. I mean, can you really turn Pong into an action-adventure movie? It’s a game about hitting a ball back and forth. I guess you could add some explosions and car chases to make it more exciting, but at that point, it’s not really Pong anymore. And don’t even get me started on Asteroids. I love the game, but it’s basically just a bunch of rocks floating in space. How do you turn that into a compelling narrative?
But hey, after the successes of The Super Mario Galaxy Movie, Sonic the Hedgehog, and A Minecraft Movie, the studios are hungry for similar properties with similar potential. And who knows, maybe they’ll surprise us and come up with something actually good. But I wouldn’t hold my breath. Somewhere a Focus Group earned another bonus, and I’m sure the Marketing Department is already working on a trailer that will make these movies look like the most anticipated events of the decade.
I guess I can see Asteroids becoming something like that, but man, some of these Atari movies were so small in scale, they are going to require a lot of imagination. The Atari 2600 was hamstrung by late 1970s technology; the graphics were blocky and static, and most took place entirely on a single screen. Perhaps with a name like Asteroids or Missile Command, you can blow things out and make it into a big-budget sci-fi movie. But then you have games like Centipede, which is basically just a bunch of centipedes moving back and forth on the screen. How do you turn that into a compelling story?
The Nostalgia Harvest
The Atari game everyone would want to see a movie based on is E.T. But that’s not a property owned by Atari, obviously, and it would probably end with a million cartridges dumped in a ditch in New Mexico somewhere. It’s a shame, really, because E.T. is one of the most iconic games of all time, and it would be amazing to see a movie based on it. But instead, we get movies like Asteroids and Pong, which are…well, they’re just not the same.
It’s all part of Hollywood’s annual Nostalgia Harvest, where they dig up old properties and try to turn them into something new and exciting. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it’s just a lazy attempt to cash in on people’s nostalgia. And that’s exactly what this deal feels like. The Content Mines remain fully operational, and somewhere an executive whispered, “Can this become a trilogy?”
I genuinely love movies, and I want to see them succeed. But deals like this just make me tired. It’s the same old thing over and over again: taking an old property, slapping a new coat of paint on it, and calling it a day. Where’s the originality? Where’s the creativity? It’s all just a never-ending cycle of nostalgia and reboots, and it’s getting old. Another beloved franchise has successfully avoided the sweet release of death, and the Merchandising Department is already working on the tie-in toys.
So, we’ll just have to wait and see how these movies turn out. Maybe they’ll surprise us and be actually good. But until then, I remain skeptical. After all, as the great philosopher once said, “You can’t pour old wine into new bottles and expect it to taste the same.” Or something like that. Anyway, I’m just going to go play some old Atari games and remember the good old days, before Hollywood got its hands on them and turned them into…whatever it is they’re going to turn them into.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
