Rand Paul Floats Elon Musk For House Speaker
Read MoreThe OnionSenator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech…
Category: The Onion
Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift
Read MoreThe OnionCHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster…
Tips For Preventing Package Theft
Read MoreThe OnionAn estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips…
Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium
Read MoreThe OnionEAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly…
Santa Confirms Everyone Getting Bag Of Glitter Labeled ‘Fairy Dust’ His Sister-In-Law Sells On Etsy
Read MoreThe OnionLAS VEGAS—Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus’ sister to be included for the first time in…
Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys
Read MoreThe OnionMillions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season,…
Political Profile: Pete Hegseth
Read MoreThe OnionPete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial…
Jill Biden Leaves Teaching Post
Read MoreThe OnionFirst lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community…
Faded Outline Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Name Still Visible On Stocking
Read MoreThe OnionMILWAUKEE—Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday…
Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse
Read MoreThe OnionMINNEAPOLIS—Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that…