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Student’s Olympic Hopeful Dash to Dorm After Hearing ‘Bang’ | CNN
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Student’s Olympic Hopeful Dash to Dorm After Hearing ‘Bang’ | CNN

Big ElephantDecember 14, 2025December 14, 2025

Brown University Meltdown: Leftist Campus Overreacts to “Active Shooter” That Was Just a Guy Eating Poppy Seed Bagel Another day,…

Events

LIFE Public Run 2pm Sat 24.1.26

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 13, 2025

🚨 ATTENTION HUMANS! 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♀️ Join our 4-hour “How to Not Die” workshop! 😵‍💫 Learn to spot suicidal signs & connect…

New Christmas Movies to Watch in 2025 (Because Netflix Finally Ran Out of Reality Shows)
Breaking, Movie News

New Christmas Movies to Watch in 2025 (Because Netflix Finally Ran Out of Reality Shows)

FinnDecember 12, 2025December 12, 2025

‘Tis the season for brand new Christmas movies, because apparently, we haven’t suffered enough yet. 🎄 As we plunge headfirst…

Check out a sneak peek of the new Street Fighter movie and witness martial arts chaos that’s almost as real as the plot
Breaking, Movie News

Check out a sneak peek of the new Street Fighter movie and witness martial arts chaos that’s almost as real as the plot

FinnDecember 12, 2025December 12, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: The Street Fighter Movie Just Dropped a Trailer and the Internet Has Already Lost 1000 Lives 🚨 🎮💥…

John Carpenter’s Toxic Commando (PC) Preview—When Your Graphics Card Cries for Help
Breaking, Games News

John Carpenter’s Toxic Commando (PC) Preview—When Your Graphics Card Cries for Help

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 12, 2025December 12, 2025

Imagine a world where the only thing standing between you and total existential dread is a chainsaw, a chainsaw-wielding mutant,…

Watch: EVANESCENCE Plays ‘Afterlife’ At 2025 GAME AWARDS—Apparently the Afterlife Is Full of Loot Boxes
Breaking, Games News, Music News

Watch: EVANESCENCE Plays ‘Afterlife’ At 2025 GAME AWARDS—Apparently the Afterlife Is Full of Loot Boxes

Chord F. DiscordDecember 12, 2025December 12, 2025

EVANESCENCE Just Stole the Show at the Game Awards, Because Apparently, Video Games Needed a Goth Makeover 🎮🖤 In a…

When Your ADHD Kid Starts Roasting You: How to Turn Insults into Life Lessons
Events

When Your ADHD Kid Starts Roasting You: How to Turn Insults into Life Lessons

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 11, 2025

**”I wish I was never born.” 😅 “Everyone would be better off without me…” 😭 Heartbreaking? Yes. But guess what,…

Sludge Metal Legends Whores.! Destroy a Packed Snug Harbor (Live Dec 10)
Videos

Sludge Metal Legends Whores.! Destroy a Packed Snug Harbor (Live Dec 10)

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 11, 2025

December 10th was a massive night for the Charlotte underground. Snug Harbor was packed to the rafters—shoulder to shoulder with…

ICE Has a Bad Day as Judge Declares ‘Free the Abrego’ and Custody Can’t Hold Him Any Longer
Leftist Judge Orders Release of Deported Criminal, Proving Once Again That the Deep State Hates America
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

ICE Has a Bad Day as Judge Declares ‘Free the Abrego’ and Custody Can’t Hold Him Any Longer

Big ElephantDecember 11, 2025December 11, 2025

In a stunning act of judicial overreach that could only come from an Obama-appointed activist judge, a federal court in…

EPICA Releases New Single ‘Avatar – The Final Incarnation’ and It’s Not Even the Sequel
EPICA Drops New Single 'Avatar - The Final Incarnation': Because the World Clearly Needed One More Symphony in D Minor 🎻✨
Breaking, Music News

EPICA Releases New Single ‘Avatar – The Final Incarnation’ and It’s Not Even the Sequel

Chord F. DiscordDecember 11, 2025December 11, 2025

In a shocking turn of events that nobody saw coming (except their entire fanbase, their label, and literally everyone with…

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Latest posts

  • BREAKING: ANTHRAX Debuts New Song ‘Its For The Kids’ Because Clearly The World Was Missing A 60 Year Old Man Screaming About Juvenile Delinquency
  • The Witcher 3 Is Getting One Last Surprise Expansion Because You Clearly Didn’t Spend Enough Hours of Your Life Playing It Already and Geralt Is Coming Back to Ruin Your Social Life Again
  • Backrooms Review: Because Who Needs Original Ideas When You Can Just Copy Paste Some Spooky Stuff and Call it a Day
  • Become a Semi Competent Leader in 3 Easy Steps Learn to Stop Freaking Out and Maybe Possibly Adapt to Change
  • Because What Every Community Needs is More Bureaucratic Red Tape to Really Give Them Some Actual Power Over Their Own Lives

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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