In what can only be described as a stroke of genius marketing – or perhaps a brutal reminder of how the past haunts us — 20th Century Studios is releasing Alien: Romulus on VHS tapes. Yes, you read that right, kids. VHS! For those born after 1998, that’s a big, clunky plastic rectangle containing grainy footage and sound that makes you wonder if the alien is hissing at you or if it’s just the tape quality disintegrating in real-time. And no, there will be no bonus materials, because we can’t have nice things. 🙃
But wait! For those of you from the TikTok generation scratching your heads wondering «VHS? Like, does that stand for Very Hot Stuff?», fear not. The package will include a manual explaining what a videotape is, how a VCR works, and why movies on these ancient relics look like they’ve been dragged through a swamp. The irony? You’ll probably have to YouTube how to use the manual. 🤦♂️ And good luck finding a VCR that isn’t a museum piece. At least the design by Matt Ferguson might be the only thing worth Instagramming. 📸
Not to be outdone, the official soundtrack for Alien: Romulus will hit the market on — you guessed it — audio cassettes. The sweet, sweet sound of analog hiss! Because nothing complements a high-octane space horror flick like rewinding a tape with a pencil and praying it doesn’t unravel in your hands. 🔄
If you’re lucky, you might even hear the soundtrack before the alien kills you. This retro campaign is apparently intended to kickstart a revival in VCR and audio player production across the U.S., because what better way to combat inflation and economic downturn than by dragging us back into the 1980s. 💸
Collectors, of course, will love this. Nothing screams «exclusive» like a format that’s been dead for 20 years. Who needs Blu-ray or 4K streaming when you can have a VHS that takes up half your shelf space and offers the visual clarity of a potato? 📼 But hey, nostalgia is a powerful drug, and we all know there’s a dedicated group of fans somewhere eagerly dusting off their VCRs and Walkmans, ready to embrace this beautiful nightmare.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
