In an unprecedented turn of events, Denuvo, the controversial anti-piracy software we all love to hate, has taken a bold stance against its biggest critics : gamers. That’s right — according to new manager Andreas Ullmann in a statement given to Rock Paper Shotgun, Denuvo is officially «done listening» to the «haters» and will now completely ignore the waves of criticism it receives online. In true Denuvo style, they closed their own Discord server, blaming «inappropriate content» for the shutdown, which, if you ask us, is code for «we couldn’t take the heat». 🙄
But it gets juicier ! According to our sources, Denuvo is apparently working on a revolutionary new feature — an anti-criticism module bundled with its famous DRM that will actively scan for, and then delete, any gamer’s profile caught saying something remotely negative about Denuvo. 🎩 Yes, that means your virtual life could be wiped out if you dare to whisper «Denuvo slows down my game!» Not only is Denuvo declaring itself immune to all criticism, but it seems they’re set on «protecting» their product with some next-level Thought Police tactics.
But fear not, dear gamers, Denuvo’s PR team assures us that their DRM «doesn’t impact performance» — you’re only saying that because you’re a «pirate» who wants free games, duh. 🚨 And hey, if every review across gaming forums says your game crashes after installing Denuvo? That’s probably a you problem, not them, right? After all, Denuvo insists their program works just fine. It’s probably just your 4080 Ti having a bad day. 🥴
If it sounds like a scene from a dystopian sci-fi film, well … that’s because it might as well be. The irony? With the new anti-criticism system in place, you’ll need a permit just to say «Denuvo». Next time you hit «start» on your favorite game, remember : your playthrough is Denuvo approved — or it’s over.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
