ATLANTA—Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that it had successfully eradicated children.
The agency confirmed that children had been the leading vector of disease nationally, posing grave risks to entire communities and contributing significantly to the rapid spread of deadly germs. CDC officials told reporters the complete elimination of the prevalent disease-carriers would cause a massive decrease in child-borne pathogens nationwide, particularly benefiting those vulnerable individuals who faced the most exposure to children, including parents, daycare workers, teachers, coaches, and ice cream truck drivers.
“Humanity has never faced a more deadly carrier of disease and bacteria than children, and their total removal is a massive medical breakthrough and a milestone in the management of illness in this country,” CDC spokesperson Jane Christiansen said of the watershed achievement, a humanitarian project first launched in 1976 by President Jimmy Carter, whose administration prioritized community education and cash rewards for eliminating kids. “The palm of a single child’s hand contains enough bacteria to wipe out a major city. Even the healthiest American adults with strong immune systems can fall prey to a debilitating sickness spread by this pestilential scourge.”
“A child-free America is a healthier America,” she added.
The CDC reported that ridding the nation of child-borne diseases had required meticulously sweeping sites where the germ-carriers were often found in high concentrations, such as schools, public parks, and swimming pools. The agency stated that it used a variety of eco-friendly methods—from poisonous plants to the introduction of natural predators—to ensure these sites were free from both virus- and bacteria-infected infants, toddlers, and adolescents.
According to officials, removing children from ecosystems across the United States was a difficult process, and agency employees recalled how when they first began the operation, the country was completely overrun by tens of millions of children.
“We would enter homes where there were swarms of children crawling all over the pantries and grabbing handfuls of food right out of the bag,” said Mitchell Andrews, a CDC epidemiologist who stressed that it was important to remove kid urine and feces from homes and to carefully clean bedding, noting that their saliva could be found almost anywhere. “We soon discovered nearly every American playground was infested with them, too. I’m just glad people in this country can finally go to a candy store or ice cream parlor without worrying about a filthy child infecting them with an illness that wipes out their entire community.”
Andrews explained that creating a safe, child-free America had been a high-risk process that presented great dangers to the CDC staff involved. He recalled how, shortly after joining the organization, he had participated in an initiative to clear a McDonald’s play area of children.
“We deployed a full squad of virologists in hazmat suits to quarantine the ball pit and start clearing the area of kids,” he said, observing that even a minor tear in the protective gear could result in contamination if a child managed to smear their disease-ridden mucus over the perforation. “We knew that if our face masks had even a microscopic crack in them, then just one cough from a child could lead to a fatal illness. This was dangerous, labor-intensive work, but with these petri dishes of death finally obliterated from our communities, the lives of our fellow Americans will be immeasurably improved.”
Andrews added that the ultimate goal was to ensure that no children ever appeared again in the United States, an objective that would most likely require the CDC to wipe out adults, which the agency has identified as the number-one source of children across the country.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
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