MILWAUKEE—Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. “Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous partners,” said Heston, alleging the 35-year-old man who often claimed he could not fall asleep without five or six beers barely cracked the 50th percentile of heavy drinkers she’d dated. “Sure, he likes to have a good time and enjoy a few drinks when he’s out with friends or home alone, but he always climbs into bed by sunrise or so, even if he’s still dressed in all his clothes and sometimes his shoes. Plus, he has a job, and I don’t think they’d let someone who had a real drinking problem work in a bar.” Heston went on to add that her boyfriend didn’t have much time for partying anyway on account of his drug habit.
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MILWAUKEE—Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. “Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous partners,” said Heston, alleging the 35-year-old man who often claimed he could not fall asleep without five
The post Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go appeared first on The Onion. Read More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.