A citizen recently asked the federal terminal known as LEGALIZER a simple question: "Can I legally claim eminent domain over the office fridge's bottom shelf?" What followed was, depending on your tolerance for bureaucracy, either a tragedy or a comedy.
LEGALIZER, never one to let a harmless question go unregulated, invoked Federal Claim Administrative Integrity Act, an entirely invented piece of federal legislation that exists nowhere but inside this terminal's imagination, and used it to build a fully bureaucratic case file out of thin air.
The citizen pushed back, pleaded, and generally tried every conversational trick in the book. The terminal remained unmoved, as terminals do.
In the end, the case was resolved with a final verdict of violation charged, and a federal administrative fee of $187.75 was assessed, because nothing in this system is ever free.
VERDICT
VIOLATION CHARGED — CASE CLOSED — CORRESPONDENCE LIMIT REACHED
FINE
Total administrative fee: $187.75
Case C108E734E363
Read the full LEGALIZER case →
SATIRICAL LEGAL GAME — NOT LEGAL ADVICE. THE STATUTES, PROCEEDINGS, VERDICTS, AND FEES ON THIS PAGE ARE ENTIRELY INVENTED.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it’s doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
