BLOOMFIELD, CA—Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub jet.
Shortly after his release, Webb reportedly found himself unable to reconcile the significant differences between everyday life on the outside and the regimented lifestyle he had become accustomed to during his 15 hours inside the suction fitting of a Master Spas LSX 900.
“When you’re in there, it’s hard to imagine a life beyond those four marbled acrylic walls,” said Webb, warmly embracing his sister near the exit of the medical facility where he had been treated for severe penile bruising. “Being confined to a small space like that really changes your view of the world. I had forgotten what it feels like not to be half-wet all the time, dreading every jet cycle, my erectile tissue becoming more engorged inside the small hole and throbbing in pain against the pressurized valve. I spent all that time wondering if I’d ever see my penis again, and not knowing whether I’d still be able to recognize it if I did.”
“I had mentally prepared to die in that hot tub a long time ago,” Webb continued. “So to be out and about in public again, and feel the warm sun shining on my dick and balls—it’s surreal.”
According to researchers, 68% of formerly Jacuzzi-bound individuals report feeling severely overwhelmed by their newfound autonomy once they are free from the 7,000-pound appliance anchored to their genitalia.
Among men who have required the assistance of the fire department to lubricate and tug their penises free of a whirlpool nozzle, many have said they took comfort knowing they weren’t alone.
“When you’re confined to a 7-by-9-foot fiberglass basin, completely isolated from the rest of the world, that becomes your new normal,” said Harriet Parson, a worker at a halfway house that specializes in teaching recently unstuck men how to reintegrate into society and not stick their penises anywhere else. “You know what to expect because every day is the same. The intake mechanism kicks on every 30 minutes. Water is heated and expelled through the jets. The pump pulls your battered shaft further into the tube. You scream in agony. Repeat. That’s all you know.”
“If your entire reality is kneeling with your swim trunks around your ankles because your penis has become too swollen to dislodge from the Master Force Bio-
Magnetic Hydro-Therapy System, it’s easy to forget your humanity,” added Parson, who stressed the importance of judgment-
free rehabilitation and emotional support in cases like Webb’s. “The constant hypervigilance, the weight of trauma, and the deep mistrust of all things that water comes out of—that doesn’t just go away on its own.”
Researchers confirmed that one in five adults who have at one time had their penises sucked into a pipe flange will go on to face regular discrimination throughout their lifetime, due to a growing stigma against people with a record of seeking sexual gratification from a suction hose. Many are denied employment, housing, or credit lines when news coverage of the incident turns up in a routine background check.
“To some people, you will always be the person who put your penis in the hotel pool filtration system and got it stuck in there for several hours,” said Jeffrey Adams, another former offender who now works with fellow ex-suctioned men to help them get back on their feet after a stint in the hydrotherapy vessel. “The minute you mention getting your penis stuck in a hot tub jet in a job interview, it’s over. Bring it up on a date, and you’ll likely never hear from that person again. It’s sad, but true. Even people you thought were your longtime friends will shun you after you’ve spent time with your penis stuck in their hot tub.”
“That’s why, after these guys get their penises unstuck, they’re often right back inside the jet within a matter of weeks,” continued Adams, who did his time in a Sundance Optima 880 back in the ’90s. “We must step in and break the cycle. The only reason my penis isn’t vacuum-sealed inside the wall of a whirlpool spa today is because someone helped me when I got out.”
As for Webb, he said he is excited to start a new chapter educating at-risk youth about the consequences of sexually experimenting with mechanical water fixtures, something he decided to do after finding God while inside the hot tub.
“It’s funny—even though I’ve been out for a little while now, I find myself using a lot of the lingo, like, ‘I have my penis stuck in a hot tub. It won’t come out, oh God, oh Jesus, please help me,’” Webb said. “It may sound crazy, but it wasn’t all bad in there. In fact, it felt pretty fucking amazing at first. But a lot of the time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m still in the tub, fearing my penis will rip off if I pull on it too hard.”
“The road ahead is not going to be easy, that’s for sure,” Webb added. “All you can do is take it one day at a time.”
The post Newly Free Man Struggles To Readjust To Life Outside Having Penis Stuck In Hot Tub Jet appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
