MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they’re going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. “Whether you’ve been sideswiped by a tractor-trailer on a two-lane road or dragged through an intersection by a furniture delivery truck, you can now easily plot a course that fully accommodates your mangled body,” said lead product developer Jasmine Harper, adding that the app dynamically adjusts a user’s travel time according to the amount of blood they lose as they deliriously inch forward on their hands and knees. “When you select this feature, your map automatically highlights nearby hospitals you might plausibly reach before passing out. It also generates flat-terrain routes that steer clear of inclines you’ll never be able to drag yourself over with a broken pelvis and a forearm bone jutting out of your skin. Plus, you can avoid crawling on streets with heavy traffic to reduce your chances of being too low to be seen by motorists and getting run over a second time.” Harper went on to say that the new setting can also direct users to nearby parks and other green spaces in case they’d rather just find a peaceful place to lie down and die.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.