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Category: Babylon Bee

Hegseth Kicking Himself For Not Just Getting 13 Soldiers Killed And Giving $80 Billion In Weapons To Terrorists
Babylon Bee

Hegseth Kicking Himself For Not Just Getting 13 Soldiers Killed And Giving $80 Billion In Weapons To Terrorists

FinnMarch 26, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With lawmakers calling for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to resign over leaked Yemen attack plans, Hegseth…

State Farm Now Offering Optional ‘Car Torched By Psychotic Purple-Haired Weirdo’ Coverage
Babylon Bee

State Farm Now Offering Optional ‘Car Torched By Psychotic Purple-Haired Weirdo’ Coverage

FinnMarch 26, 2025

U.S. — State Farm has begun offering optional extra car insurance coverage for protection against customers’ cars being torched by…

‘I Don’t Know Why They Call Me Hot Wheels,’ Thinks Governor Abbott While Launching Off G-Force Burnout Set Launcher Ramp
Babylon Bee

‘I Don’t Know Why They Call Me Hot Wheels,’ Thinks Governor Abbott While Launching Off G-Force Burnout Set Launcher Ramp

FinnMarch 26, 2025

AUSTIN, TX — As he launched through the air off the G-Force Burnout Set Launcher Ramp, Governor Greg Abbott wondered…

Jesus Calls On Followers To Eat Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches For 40 Days To Prepare For His Crucifixion
Babylon Bee

Jesus Calls On Followers To Eat Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches For 40 Days To Prepare For His Crucifixion

FinnMarch 25, 2025

JERUSALEM — Sources close to the Son of God report that Jesus Christ has just called upon his followers to…

Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing
Babylon Bee

Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing

FinnMarch 25, 2025

MUSTAFAR — The Galactic Empire was forced into damage control mode this week after it was revealed that Darth Vader…

After Years of Debate, Theologians Now Agree That Lying To Your Dentist About Flossing Is Not A Sin
Babylon Bee

After Years of Debate, Theologians Now Agree That Lying To Your Dentist About Flossing Is Not A Sin

FinnMarch 25, 2025

LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of fierce debate, theologians from all the major branches of Christianity have now come…

Disney Puts Rachel Zegler In The Vault
Babylon Bee

Disney Puts Rachel Zegler In The Vault

FinnMarch 25, 2025

BURBANK, CA — Following the disastrous box office opening of Disney’s Snow White, actress Rachel Zegler has been stored in…

Democrats Estimate They Are Only One More Arson Away From Being Popular Again
Babylon Bee

Democrats Estimate They Are Only One More Arson Away From Being Popular Again

FinnMarch 25, 2025

U.S. — Despite record-low polling numbers among American voters, Democratic Party leaders were confident they could turn things around and…

Security Concerns As Trump Holds Strategy Meeting At Cracker Barrel
Babylon Bee

Security Concerns As Trump Holds Strategy Meeting At Cracker Barrel

FinnMarch 24, 2025

STERLING, VA — Critics of the Trump administration have raised security concerns due to Trump holding a high-level strategy meeting…

Bernie Sanders In Trouble As Paid Rally Attendees Vote To Unionize
Babylon Bee

Bernie Sanders In Trouble As Paid Rally Attendees Vote To Unionize

FinnMarch 24, 2025

BURLINGTON, VT — The future of one of America’s more well-known political figures was cast in doubt this week after…

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