Pros And Cons Of Flock Cameras
Surveillance company Flock’s automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states,…
Category: The Onion
Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow
PALO ALTO, CA—Telling himself he had “no other choice” but to end the simulated character’s life himself before his…
SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon
The discarded upper stage of a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket crashed into the moon after drifting off course over…
Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan
LOS ANGELES—Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers…
Newly Free Man Struggles To Readjust To Life Outside Having Penis Stuck In Hot Tub Jet
BLOOMFIELD, CA—Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to…
Eli Roth Admits Most Of ‘Ice Cream Man’ Not Made Using AI
LOS ANGELES—In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice…
Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems
The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks…
Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture
ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant…
New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money
WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged…
Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew
HAMDEN, CT—Admitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of…