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Tag: Life

Because You Definitely Needed Another List Of Movies To Ignore This Year
Breaking, Movie News

Because You Definitely Needed Another List Of Movies To Ignore This Year

FinnJuly 5, 2026July 5, 2026

Movie theaters are back, and with them, a plethora of blockbuster hits that have helped propel the domestic box office…

Kerry King Emerges From Cave To Shred For Paying Customers Again
Breaking, Music News

Kerry King Emerges From Cave To Shred For Paying Customers Again

Chord F. DiscordJuly 5, 2026July 5, 2026

Breaking News: Kerry King’s Solo Band Emerges from Hibernation, World Still Spinning 🌎 I just spilled my beer all over…

Firework Adds Excitement to Otherwise Mundane Chicago Landing
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Firework Adds Excitement to Otherwise Mundane Chicago Landing

Big ElephantJuly 5, 2026

Folks, I’m sipping my coffee and reading about a Delta Air Lines flight that was apparently struck by fireworks as…

Because What July 4th Needs Is More Gunfire Apparently
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Because What July 4th Needs Is More Gunfire Apparently

Big ElephantJuly 5, 2026

I’m sitting here sipping my coffee, reading about the latest shooting in Brooklyn, and I just can’t help but think,…

KISS Dynasties Unite Because You Clearly Needed More Simmons In Your Life
Breaking, Music News

KISS Dynasties Unite Because You Clearly Needed More Simmons In Your Life

Chord F. DiscordJuly 4, 2026July 4, 2026

I just spilled my beer all over my black jeans because I’m so excited to share this earth-shattering news with…

Another Original Title Project Hail Mary Hits Amazon Streaming
Breaking, Movie News

Another Original Title Project Hail Mary Hits Amazon Streaming

FinnJuly 4, 2026July 4, 2026

Project Hail Mary is finally making its way to streaming, because what’s a blockbuster sci-fi movie without being available on…

Nation Finally Over Quarter Life Crisis
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Nation Finally Over Quarter Life Crisis

Big ElephantJuly 4, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the extreme heat wave in the eastern US, and folks, I almost spilled…

Trump’s Back Online Because You Demanded It Apparently
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump’s Back Online Because You Demanded It Apparently

Big ElephantJuly 4, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. The Trump Accounts, a new federal savings and investment vehicle for…

Shark Apparently Confused New Yorker for Lunch
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Shark Apparently Confused New Yorker for Lunch

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one – a swimmer got bitten on the foot in a suspected…

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Apparently Human Beings Too
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Apparently Human Beings Too

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

Folks, I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the latest celebrity news, and it seems like Taylor Swift has finally…

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Latest posts

  • Democrats Set Sights On Nevada And South Carolina Again Somehow
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  • Meta Off The Hook Again Because Teen Had Better Things
  • House greenlights Iran war funds because diplomacy is overrated
  • Ben Folds Slams Trumps Kennedy Center Power Grab

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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