Study Finds 100% Of Male Hikers Are Imagining They Are On A Quest During The Third Age Of Middle-Earth

U.S. — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what countless scientists had suspected for decades, revealing an astounding 100% of male hikers pretend they are on a quest during the Third Age of Middle-earth.

A Portuguese research team spent two years trekking through remote hiking locales across the globe and surveying male hikers to answer the age-old question of what they are imagining while trudging across rugged terrain, with the answer invariably coming back “I’m on an epic quest in the Third Age of Middle-earth.”

“Every single man we studied was envisioning himself marching through Middle-earth,” said lead researcher Professor Blake Rumsey. “No matter the hiking trail — vast grasslands, dense forest, snow-packed mountains — the mind of every man was squarely fixed on picturing himself journeying through the landscape of Middle-earth on an important quest in the battle between good and evil.”

One hiker reached for comment confirmed the study’s findings. “Oh, yeah, totally. Every time,” said Jack Roberts. “Sometimes I’m being chased by wargs. That’s if I want to go fast and get a really good workout. Sometimes I’m tracking Gollum through the Dead Marshes. The fate of all Middle-earth depends on me. Thankfully, I’m like totally good at hiking.”

At publishing time, the research team revealed that 100% of male hikers also pack extra food for the specific purpose of being able to take breaks for “second breakfast” and “elevensies.”

Finn

Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.

Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.

Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.