WASHINGTON—Hailing the move as a more wholesome and patriotic substitute for the current U.S. territory, conservative advocacy group Turning Point USA announced Thursday that it was setting up an alternative Puerto Rico. “Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,” said Turning Point CEO Erika Kirk, adding that the island would be known as “Port Rick,” a mistranslation of “Puerto Rico” that nevertheless reflected the new territory’s English-only mandate. “Good people who love America will no longer have to be intimidated by arroz con gandules and can sink their teeth into the new national dish, hamburgers. Of course, we’ll also be overhauling the music within our alternative Puerto Rico, replacing reggaeton and other aggressive styles with familiar, straight-ahead country music and Christian rock. And going forward, we’ll even be revamping the geography itself, swapping out the titillating bioluminescent bays for far less provocative basins of colorless water.” Kirk added that unlike the original Puerto Rico, the alternative would promptly receive disaster relief from the Trump administration.
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WASHINGTON—Hailing the move as a more wholesome and patriotic substitute for the current U.S. territory, conservative advocacy group Turning Point USA announced Thursday that it was setting up an alternative Puerto Rico. “Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,” said Turning Point CEO Erika Kirk, adding that the island would be known as “Port Rick,” a mistranslation of “Puerto Rico” that
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
