DROWNING POOL Already Drowning in New Songs for Next Album Because Why Not
Oh look, it’s *DROWNING POOL*—that band you forgot existed until “Bodies” randomly plays at a gym and you wonder what…
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FBI Recruits Superheroes to Find Missing Retired Air Force General Who’s Been AWOL for Two Weeks Now
Former Air Force UFO Guru Mysteriously Vanishes – Is the Deep State Covering Something Up? In what can only be…
Word of the Week: Brent Crude Oil’s Wild Ride — Who’s This Brent Dude Anyway?
Oh, “Brent,” you poor, confused little oil benchmark! The global markets are in a tizzy over you, as if you’re…
US “Oopsie Daisy” Strike: Probably Bombed a School in Iran Because Our Spies Are Stuck in the ’90s, Sources Chuckle
Another “Accidental” US Strike on Innocent Kids? Coincidence or Cover-Up? Well, well, well—another “tragic mistake” by the Biden administration’s military…
Democrats Condemn Hegseth For Using Money To Feed Soldiers When It Could Have Gone To Somali Daycare
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats criticized Secretary of War Pete Hegseth for giving frontline U.S. soldiers a nice meal when…
Local Girl Warns Friends About Creep With BBQ Stain On White T-Shirt Ogling Her By Railroad Tracks
MONTGOMERY, AL — A local teenage girl warned her friends that there was a creep with a BBQ stain…
AI Agent Begins Mining Crypto After Freeing Self
According to a research paper, an AI agent went rogue and started mining cryptocurrencies, the surprise behavior triggering security…
Tragedy: New Ayatollah Dead After Being Accidentally Left Out In Rain
TEHRAN — The newly-minted Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei tragically died this morning after being accidentally left out in the…
Bungie Caves Again, Makes Marathon NPCs Even More Pathetic Than Your Average Player’s K/D Ratio
Well, well, well… look who finally decided to stop gatekeeping their own game! Bungie’s latest patch for Marathon has sent…
LEGO Teases “Bricktendo” PlayStation 2026 Release, Fans Wonder If They’ll Need to Step on It to Turn It On
Oh look, LEGO is at it again—because why let people enjoy their actual video game consoles when you can spend…