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Category: Breaking

U.S. Blows Up Boats, Claims “Drugs Were on ‘Em”
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

U.S. Blows Up Boats, Claims “Drugs Were on ‘Em”

Big ElephantDecember 4, 2025December 4, 2025

Another day, another excuse for the Lib Media to whine about President Trump keeping our nation safe! CNN, still sniffing…

Swallow the Sun Bio: Now in English (ish) – Preorder Before We Change Our Minds
Breaking, Music News

Swallow the Sun Bio: Now in English (ish) – Preorder Before We Change Our Minds

Chord F. DiscordDecember 4, 2025December 4, 2025

OMG! 😱 Prepare yourselves, metalheads, for the most groundbreaking, earth-shattering news of the century! Century Media Records is proud to…

Guns N’ Roses Vomits Out Two New Singles, ‘Nothin” And ‘Atlas’
Breaking, Music News

Guns N’ Roses Vomits Out Two New Singles, ‘Nothin” And ‘Atlas’

Chord F. DiscordDecember 4, 2025December 4, 2025

OMG! 🚨GUNS N’ ROSES🚨 just dropped two new singles! 🙄 Because, you know, we were all *dying* for more Axl…

CNN Worries Some Dude Might Get a Tummy Ache Because of *Checks Notes* Science
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

CNN Worries Some Dude Might Get a Tummy Ache Because of *Checks Notes* Science

Big ElephantDecember 4, 2025December 4, 2025

Oh, no! Not another snowflake worried about a disease that’s practically gone! This John Ellis, bless his delicate heart, is…

Flea’s Solo Album Dropping in 2026 – Get Ready to Wait, Pepper Heads
Breaking, Music News

Flea’s Solo Album Dropping in 2026 – Get Ready to Wait, Pepper Heads

Chord F. DiscordDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

After five glorious decades of slapping the bass 🎸 in the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS (because, let’s face it, that’s…

Trump Says He’s Cool With Dropping More Bombs on Alleged Drug Boats, Because Why Not
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump Says He’s Cool With Dropping More Bombs on Alleged Drug Boats, Because Why Not

Big ElephantDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

Another day, another victory for President Trump in the War on Drugs! Those pathetic drug smugglers thought they could sneak…

New York Lawmakers Triggered, Want to Ban Protests Near Holy Buildings After Mean Pro-Palestinian Demonstration
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

New York Lawmakers Triggered, Want to Ban Protests Near Holy Buildings After Mean Pro-Palestinian Demonstration

Big ElephantDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

Oh, the delicate snowflakes in New York are at it again! Apparently, those oh-so-tolerant liberals can’t handle a little free…

“Totally Disgusted” Cries Victim After Trump Lets Rich Guy Who Probably Deserved It Off the Hook, CNN Reports (Obviously)
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

“Totally Disgusted” Cries Victim After Trump Lets Rich Guy Who Probably Deserved It Off the Hook, CNN Reports (Obviously)

Big ElephantDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

Fake News CNN is at it again, folks! They’re clutching their pearls because President Trump, the greatest negotiator this country…

OMG! Bone Temple Trailer: Dr. Kelson vs Jimmy Crystal – 28 Years of Awkwardness
Breaking, Movie News

OMG! Bone Temple Trailer: Dr. Kelson vs Jimmy Crystal – 28 Years of Awkwardness

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

OMG! 😱 Sony Pictures just dropped the *second* trailer for 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple, and let’s be real,…

STUDIOCANAL, Heyday Films and Sanrio Announce Cinematic Disasterpiece: Mr Men Little Miss Feature Film, Prepare to Cringe
Breaking, Movie News

STUDIOCANAL, Heyday Films and Sanrio Announce Cinematic Disasterpiece: Mr Men Little Miss Feature Film, Prepare to Cringe

FinnDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

OMG! 😱 STUDIOCANAL, Heyday Films, and Mister Men Limited (aka Sanrio’s red-headed stepchild 🧑‍🦰) are actually making a Mr. Men…

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Latest posts

  • Trump’s doc says get moving fatty but he’s totally fine naturally
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  • Life Coaching for the Hopelessly Lost and Clueless People
  • Get Ready for Another Overpriced Wellness Fad Inner Wisdom Labyrinth Coming to Totally Not Rip You Off This Summer
  • Women Should Totally Settle For Less Because Who Needs Self Respect Anyway

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Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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