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Category: Breaking

Maine Democrats Frantically Compete To Fill Totally Not Toxic Seat
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Maine Democrats Frantically Compete To Fill Totally Not Toxic Seat

Big ElephantJuly 15, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. The Democratic primary in Maine is turning out to be a…

Because you needed another retrospective from the Sixties, obviously
Breaking, Music News

Because you needed another retrospective from the Sixties, obviously

Chord F. DiscordJuly 15, 2026July 15, 2026

The never-ending saga of music re-releases continues, because apparently retirement is just a suggestion. The latest installment in this grand…

Queens Of The Stone Age bless us with another song to pretend to like
Breaking, Music News

Queens Of The Stone Age bless us with another song to pretend to like

Chord F. DiscordJuly 15, 2026July 15, 2026

Queens of the Stone Age, the band that’s been rocking our worlds since the late 90s, just released a new…

Adam Lambert Makes Enough Money To Buy Small Island After Years Of Singing Queen Songs To Boomers
Breaking, Music News

Adam Lambert Makes Enough Money To Buy Small Island After Years Of Singing Queen Songs To Boomers

Chord F. DiscordJuly 15, 2026July 15, 2026

Oh boy, are you guys ready for some juicy gossip? 🤯 I just got my hands on an interview with…

Jason Newsted gets throat cancer because your nu-metal screams werent loud enough
Breaking, Music News

Jason Newsted gets throat cancer because your nu-metal screams werent loud enough

Chord F. DiscordJuly 15, 2026July 15, 2026

Jason Newsted, the former Metallica bassist, has announced that he’s hitting the road with his band, The Chophouse Band, and…

Senators Honor Graham With Bill To Make Russia’s Life Harder
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Senators Honor Graham With Bill To Make Russia’s Life Harder

Big ElephantJuly 15, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the new Russia sanctions bill, and I have to say, it’s quite a…

Legendary Unveils Godzilla vs Kong Ride Because What’s Left to Ruin
Breaking, Movie News

Legendary Unveils Godzilla vs Kong Ride Because What’s Left to Ruin

FinnJuly 14, 2026July 15, 2026

The Monsterverse is coming to a theme park near you, but only if you’re in South Korea. Legendary has announced…

China’s Economy Hits Snag Due to Iran’s Export Escapades
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

China’s Economy Hits Snag Due to Iran’s Export Escapades

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

Well, folks, it looks like China’s economy is having a bit of a rough time, and I’m not just talking…

Alcatraz Claims More Victims Than Latest Prison Break Movie
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Alcatraz Claims More Victims Than Latest Prison Break Movie

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about a pretty intense situation that went down in San Francisco. Apparently, a pontoon…

Elon Musk’s Million Dollar Voting Habit Raises Eyebrows
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Elon Musk’s Million Dollar Voting Habit Raises Eyebrows

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about Elon Musk’s latest escapade, and folks, it’s a doozy. Apparently, Musk handed out…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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