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Category: Breaking

Nation’s Cybersecurity Now In Capable Hands Of Robots Apparently
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Nation’s Cybersecurity Now In Capable Hands Of Robots Apparently

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

The White House is launching a new initiative to coordinate cybersecurity defenses across critical infrastructure, and I’m reading about it…

Iran Gives America’s Blockade A Stress Test Because Why Not
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Iran Gives America’s Blockade A Stress Test Because Why Not

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the latest developments in the Persian Gulf, where Iran is apparently getting ready…

Apple Off Hook For Hosting Kiddie Porn Because Lawsuit Got Dismissed
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Apple Off Hook For Hosting Kiddie Porn Because Lawsuit Got Dismissed

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

Folks, I almost choked on my coffee reading this one. A judge just dismissed a lawsuit against Apple, saying the…

Oh Great Another Movie with Pedro Pascal Because the World Was Missing That
Breaking, Movie News

Oh Great Another Movie with Pedro Pascal Because the World Was Missing That

FinnJuly 14, 2026July 14, 2026

The most epic movie of the century is coming, and I’m not even exaggerating 🤯! I mean, who needs Avengers…

Oh Joy Another Movie About a Couple of Old Dudes Running Around and Blowing Things Up Featuring Ryan Reynolds and Some Guy Your Grandma Loves Kenneth Branagh in the Most Unnecessary Buddy Action-Comedy of the Year Mayday
Breaking, Movie News

Oh Joy Another Movie About a Couple of Old Dudes Running Around and Blowing Things Up Featuring Ryan Reynolds and Some Guy Your Grandma Loves Kenneth Branagh in the Most Unnecessary Buddy Action-Comedy of the Year Mayday

FinnJuly 14, 2026July 14, 2026

Oh boy, are you guys in for a treat! 🎉🍿 “Mayday” is coming, and it’s going to be a wild…

Because We Clearly Needed Another Conjuring Movie From Warner Bros
Breaking, Movie News

Because We Clearly Needed Another Conjuring Movie From Warner Bros

FinnJuly 14, 2026July 15, 2026

The Conjuring franchise is at it again, because of course it is. The next installment in the never-ending series will…

Sully Sullenberger’s Next Emergency Landing: His Own Memory
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Sully Sullenberger’s Next Emergency Landing: His Own Memory

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

I’m sitting here sipping my coffee, reading about Capt. Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III, and I have to say, this…

Soulfly still exists somehow and is touring with Nailbomb in 2026
Breaking, Music News

Soulfly still exists somehow and is touring with Nailbomb in 2026

Chord F. DiscordJuly 14, 2026July 14, 2026

Oh boy, are you guys ready for some epic news? 🤯 I just spilled my beer all over my shirt…

Dave Mustaine bravely tackles Metallicas Ride The Lightning with vocals that wont shatter glass
Breaking, Music News

Dave Mustaine bravely tackles Metallicas Ride The Lightning with vocals that wont shatter glass

Chord F. DiscordJuly 14, 2026July 14, 2026

Oh boy, are you guys ready for some serious nostalgia and possibly a few eye-rolls? 🙄 Dave Mustaine, the legendary…

Blue States Get To Keep Their Money Apparently
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Blue States Get To Keep Their Money Apparently

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2026

The Trump administration has decided to rescind its effort to freeze $10 billion in childcare and social assistance funding for…

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Latest posts

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Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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