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Category: Breaking

Smithsonian Secretary Promises Not To Mess This Up
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Smithsonian Secretary Promises Not To Mess This Up

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

Folks, I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the Smithsonian Institution’s plans to commemorate the 250th anniversary of America’s founding,…

Bull Moose Gets His Own Library In Remote Nowheresville
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Bull Moose Gets His Own Library In Remote Nowheresville

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

Folks, I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the new Theodore Roosevelt Presidential Library, and I have to say, it…

Netflix Recycles Gene Wilder’s Voice Because Originality is Overrated Apparently
Netflix's Latest Venture: A Wonka-themed Competition Series, Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Breaking, Movie News

Netflix Recycles Gene Wilder’s Voice Because Originality is Overrated Apparently

FinnJuly 3, 2026July 3, 2026

We’re not sure if this is exactly what Willy Wonka had in mind when he sang about a world of…

Madonna’s alleged final Confessions redux because you clearly didnt buy it the first time
Breaking, Music News

Madonna’s alleged final Confessions redux because you clearly didnt buy it the first time

Chord F. DiscordJuly 3, 2026July 3, 2026

Madonna is back, and I’m not surprised. Because apparently retirement is just a suggestion. The Queen of Pop has returned…

CNN: Trump’s AI Makeover Because Founders Needed A Digital Facelift
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

CNN: Trump’s AI Makeover Because Founders Needed A Digital Facelift

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. It seems that the Trump administration’s efforts to commemorate the semiquincentennial…

Steam Machine Users Delighted by New Red glow of Impending Doom
Breaking, Games News

Steam Machine Users Delighted by New Red glow of Impending Doom

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJuly 3, 2026July 3, 2026

Oh joy, another hardware launch, another chance for our favorite companies to disappoint us with subpar quality control. The Steam…

TESLA too lazy to make new music
Breaking, Music News

TESLA too lazy to make new music

Chord F. DiscordJuly 3, 2026July 3, 2026

OH NO, TESLA FANS REJOICE: Dave Rude Says Full-Length Album of New Music Might Not Happen, But Who Needs That…

Nation’s Birthday Now Sponsored By Ego and Explosions
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Nation’s Birthday Now Sponsored By Ego and Explosions

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. It seems President Trump is gearing up for a record-breaking fireworks…

US Warns Iran About Israel’s Itchy Trigger Finger Again
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

US Warns Iran About Israel’s Itchy Trigger Finger Again

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the latest drama between the US, Israel, and Iran, and folks, it’s a…

Reflecting Pool Gets Annual Muck Removal Because Nature
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Reflecting Pool Gets Annual Muck Removal Because Nature

Big ElephantJuly 3, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the latest drama surrounding the Reflecting Pool on the National Mall, and folks,…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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