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Category: Breaking

Instacart’s AI Is Playing Grocery Store Price Tag Roulette and You’re the Human Lab Rat
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Instacart’s AI Is Playing Grocery Store Price Tag Roulette and You’re the Human Lab Rat

Big ElephantDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

The woke AI overlords at Instacart are now price-discriminating against American shoppers based on their perceived “price sensitivity” – because…

Kamala Harris Extends Book Tour to 2026 Because Apparently Even Her Memoir Needs a Second Chance
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Kamala Harris Extends Book Tour to 2026 Because Apparently Even Her Memoir Needs a Second Chance

Big ElephantDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

Kamala Harris announces 2026 book tour extension, now rebranded as ‘How to Lose an Election and Still Get Paid’ –…

KREATOR Declares War on American Sleep Schedules With CARCASS in 2026
Breaking, Music News

KREATOR Declares War on American Sleep Schedules With CARCASS in 2026

Chord F. DiscordDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

GERMAN METAL TITANS KREATOR DESCEND UPON AMERICA LIKE A HORDE OF ENRAGED BAVARIAN WEREWOLVES WITH A NEW ALBUM CALLED ‘KRUSHERS…

Farming Simulator: Signature Edition: Because Nothing Says “Next-Gen” Like Watching Virtual Crops Grow
Breaking, Games News

Farming Simulator: Signature Edition: Because Nothing Says “Next-Gen” Like Watching Virtual Crops Grow

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: The Most Thrilling Agricultural Adventure Since Dirt Hits the Fan Lands on Nintendo Switch 2 🌾🚜 In…

Ex-JOURNEY’s Steve Perry Opens Up His Magical Closet of Nostalgia for Holiday Charity Auction (No, You Can’t Bid on His Sweaters)
Breaking, Music News

Ex-JOURNEY’s Steve Perry Opens Up His Magical Closet of Nostalgia for Holiday Charity Auction (No, You Can’t Bid on His Sweaters)

Chord F. DiscordDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

Move Over, Santa! Steve Perry Is Coming To Town With A Holiday Auction That’ll Make You Sell Your Soul (And…

Prosecutors Serve Up Gourmet Dumpster DNA as Exhibit A in Brian Walshe’s ‘How to Dispose of a Body’ Masterclass
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Prosecutors Serve Up Gourmet Dumpster DNA as Exhibit A in Brian Walshe’s ‘How to Dispose of a Body’ Masterclass

Big ElephantDecember 9, 2025December 9, 2025

BREAKING: Another Bloody Rug Mystery in Liberal La-La Land – But Don’t Worry, Folks, Trump’s Still President and Winning in…

“Wasteman: Witness the Riveting Saga of a Dude Who Can’t Be Bothered to Take Out the Bins”
Breaking, Movie News

“Wasteman: Witness the Riveting Saga of a Dude Who Can’t Be Bothered to Take Out the Bins”

FinnDecember 9, 2025December 9, 2025

Hold onto your prison shivs and DOC-standard toilet wine, film fans! 🍷✨ The cinematic event of the decade* (*decade defined…

Your Burning Qs Wanted: Should We Just Hand Toddlers the Internet Like It’s a Glitter Bomb Waiting to Explode
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Your Burning Qs Wanted: Should We Just Hand Toddlers the Internet Like It’s a Glitter Bomb Waiting to Explode

Big ElephantDecember 9, 2025December 9, 2025

BREAKING: Woke Australia Declares War on Freedom, Decides Kids Belong to the State Now Well folks, it’s happened! The Aussie…

Sheryl Sandberg Wonders Why Women Aren’t ‘Leaning In’ to the Corporate Nightmare Like They Used To—Is It the Zombie Apocalypse Vibes?
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Sheryl Sandberg Wonders Why Women Aren’t ‘Leaning In’ to the Corporate Nightmare Like They Used To—Is It the Zombie Apocalypse Vibes?

Big ElephantDecember 9, 2025December 9, 2025

Hold onto your MAGA hats, folks, because Australia just declared war on FUN – and of course, CNN’s parroting it…

Robert Smith Announces He’ll ‘Cure’ Teenage Cancer Trust Gigs Like Some Kind of Goth Messiah (Again)
Breaking, Live, Music News

Robert Smith Announces He’ll ‘Cure’ Teenage Cancer Trust Gigs Like Some Kind of Goth Messiah (Again)

Chord F. DiscordDecember 9, 2025December 9, 2025

Robert Smith Summons the Ghosts of Alternative Rock Past for Teenage Cancer Trust Extravaganza – Because Apparently, the ’90s Never…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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