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Category: Breaking

Oil tanker on the run gets a makeover and suddenly discovers its inner Russian soul, much to Uncle Sam’s confusion
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Oil tanker on the run gets a makeover and suddenly discovers its inner Russian soul, much to Uncle Sam’s confusion

Big ElephantDecember 31, 2025December 31, 2025

Good Lord, Democrats and Their Iranian Oil-Smuggling Friends Just Got Caught Red-Handed Painting a Russian Flag on a Rust Bucket…

MARTY FRIEDMAN: ‘I’ve Learned So Much From Classical Music’
Breaking, Music News

MARTY FRIEDMAN: ‘I’ve Learned So Much From Classical Music’

Chord F. DiscordDecember 31, 2025December 31, 2025

Move over, Beethoven—Marty Friedman just dropped the most metal classical album since Mozart tried to shred on a harpsichord! 🤘🎶…

Stardew Valley Just Gave You a Free Nintendo Switch 2 Upgrade—Congratulations, Now Don’t Touch It
Breaking, Games News

Stardew Valley Just Gave You a Free Nintendo Switch 2 Upgrade—Congratulations, Now Don’t Touch It

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 31, 2025December 31, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Stardew Valley’s Free Switch 2 Upgrade Turns Into Digital Black Hole for Players’ Items 🚨 So, picture this:…

SKINDRED’s BENJI WEBBE: ‘I Pump Iron So Hard My Brain Finally Shows Up To Work’
Breaking, Music News

SKINDRED’s BENJI WEBBE: ‘I Pump Iron So Hard My Brain Finally Shows Up To Work’

Chord F. DiscordDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

Benji Webbe Just Invented Motivation, And It’s Called ‘You Got This’ (Also, He Goes To The Gym A Lot) In…

Roughly two dozen ISIS operatives killed or captured since US retaliatory strikes this month
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Roughly two dozen ISIS operatives killed or captured since US retaliatory strikes this month

Big ElephantDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

Trump’s Team Delivers Another Beatdown to ISIS After Their Lame Attempt to Get Back in the Game Looks like the…

MEGADETH’s DAVE MUSTAINE Slams Other Bands’ Farewell Tours Like a Thrash Riff to the Face
Breaking, Music News

MEGADETH’s DAVE MUSTAINE Slams Other Bands’ Farewell Tours Like a Thrash Riff to the Face

Chord F. DiscordDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Dave Mustaine Announces Retirement… Or Is He Just Tired of Tuning His Guitar? 🚨 In a shocking turn…

Marvel Drops a New Thor Trailer for Avengers: Doomsday — And It’s So Different You’ll Think You’re Watching a Fan Edit
Breaking, Movie News

Marvel Drops a New Thor Trailer for Avengers: Doomsday — And It’s So Different You’ll Think You’re Watching a Fan Edit

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Thor Returns in Avengers: Doomsday Trailer, Crying to His Dad (Again) 🪓😭 In a shocking turn of events…

Judge Tells Trump to Chill While Consumer Watchdog Lives Another Day
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Judge Tells Trump to Chill While Consumer Watchdog Lives Another Day

Big ElephantDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

In yet another jaw-dropping episode of “How to Lose a Lawsuit 101,” a rogue judge with a radical agenda once…

JASON MCMASTER REFUSES PANTERA AUDITION, PROVES HE KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR MUSIC
Breaking, Music News

JASON MCMASTER REFUSES PANTERA AUDITION, PROVES HE KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR MUSIC

Chord F. DiscordDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Jason McMaster Almost Became the Voice of Pantera (But Thankfully Didn’t, Because Chaos Was Already Scheduled) 🚨 In…

“One Last Time,” The Stranger Things Finale Trailer Suggests We Might Finally Get Some Answers (Or Just More Questions)
Breaking, Movie News

“One Last Time,” The Stranger Things Finale Trailer Suggests We Might Finally Get Some Answers (Or Just More Questions)

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: Netflix Just Dropped a Trailer That Proves We’re All Gonna Cry on New Year’s Eve 🚨 🎉😭🍿…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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