Long Time No Semen
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Long Time No Semen appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed…
Category: The Onion
Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses
Read MoreThe OnionST. GEORGE, UT—With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local…
Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed City’s Hungover Residents
Read MoreThe OnionPHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to…
Colombia President Claims Cocaine No Worse Than Whiskey
Read MoreThe OnionColombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is “not worse than whiskey” and that…
Bird Flu: Myth Vs. Fact
Read MoreThe OnionAn outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion…
Nick Sirianni To Eagles Fans: ‘I Hate All Of You, Fuck You’
Read MoreThe OnionNEW ORLEANS—Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles…
Heroic Secret Service Agent Shields Trump From Brittany Mahomes
Read MoreThe OnionNEW ORLEANS—Reportedly catching sight of the threat in his periphery, a heroic Secret Service agent sprung into action…
Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance
Read MoreThe OnionNEW ORLEANS—In an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide “family-friendly entertainment” for viewers, Fox reportedly opted…
Trump Asks Which One The Ball
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Trump Asks Which One The Ball appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind…
NFL Confirms Players Will Still Wear ‘Fight Bigotry’ Jockstraps
Read MoreThe OnionNEW ORLEANS—Insisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed…