Mitch McConnell Leaves Capitol In Wheelchair After Fall
Read MoreThe OnionSenator Mitch McConnell fell twice and was escorted out of the Capitol in a wheelchair as a precautionary…
Category: The Onion
Artist Profile: Kendrick Lamar
Read MoreThe OnionFresh off five wins at the Grammys, rapper Kendrick Lamar will headline Super Bowl LIX’s halftime show this…
Pioneering Female Archaeologist In Google Doodle Bears Silent Witness To Man’s Search For ‘Zootopia’ Porn
Read MoreThe OnionBALTIMORE—Mutely observing as the lewd query was entered into the prompt, a pioneering female archaeologist featured in a…
Trump Proposes U.S. Takeover Of Gaza
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Trump declared that the United States should seize control of Gaza and permanently displace the entire Palestinian…
Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Rebuking President Trump’s decision to pardon Jan. 6 rioters, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) staunchly vowed this week to…
NBC Producers Deny Using AI In New Series ‘Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show’
Read MoreThe OnionNEW YORK—Issuing a categorical denial of the accusations, NBC producers announced Thursday there was absolutely no usage of…
Trump Announces U.S. Will Relocate Panama Canal To American Soil
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Claiming that the waterway will now be called the America Canal, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that the…
Department Of Interior Bans Unlikely Animal Friendships
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Fulfilling a campaign promise made by President Donald Trump, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday that…
Study Finds Human Brain Contains Entire Spoon’s Worth Of Nanoplastics
Read MoreThe OnionAccording to a new study, cognitively normal human brain samples collected at autopsy in early 2024 contained more…
Sex Ed Teacher Demonstrates How To Drive Truck Into Abortion Clinic
Read MoreThe OnionCLEARWATER, FL—Urging the middle school class to pay attention while he described the intimate process of revving the…