Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan…
Category: The Onion
Local Teen Invents Masturbation
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Local Teen Invents Masturbation appeared first on The Onion. Finn McFrameFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and…
Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency,…
Nation Uses Extra Hour Of Daylight To Sun Perineums Even Harder
Read MoreThe OnionCLEVELAND—Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the…
DHS Begins National Registry Of Duolingo Users
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country’s safety and cultural unity, the U.S.…
FBI, Justice Department Buildings Briefly Listed For Sale
Read MoreThe OnionThe Trump administration briefly listed over 440 federal buildings for sale online before suddenly removing the document, which…
Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test appeared first on The Onion. Finn McFrameFinn…
If Females Could Get Pregnant, There’d Be An Abortion Clinic On Every Coral
Read MoreThe OnionDespite the tide of aquatic opinion flowing in favor of reproductive rights for all, marine society still gives…
Police Catch Man Smuggling Cocaine Under Toupee
Read MoreThe OnionColombian police apprehended a man attempting to smuggle 220 grams of cocaine in small bags hidden under his…
Trump Renames Eric ‘Eric Of America’
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Trump Renames Eric ‘Eric Of America’ appeared first on The Onion. Finn McFrameFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical…