Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City
Read MoreThe OnionVATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope…
Category: The Onion
Surgeon General: ‘You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants’
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued…
Chainsaw-Wielding Man Shot By Officers At Assisted Living Center
Read MoreThe OnionA man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted…
Rand Paul Floats Elon Musk For House Speaker
Read MoreThe OnionSenator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech…
Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift
Read MoreThe OnionCHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster…
Tips For Preventing Package Theft
Read MoreThe OnionAn estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips…
Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium
Read MoreThe OnionEAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly…
Santa Confirms Everyone Getting Bag Of Glitter Labeled ‘Fairy Dust’ His Sister-In-Law Sells On Etsy
Read MoreThe OnionLAS VEGAS—Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus’ sister to be included for the first time in…
Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys
Read MoreThe OnionMillions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season,…
Political Profile: Pete Hegseth
Read MoreThe OnionPete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial…