Man Who Works Two Jobs During The Week Preparing Himself For Chaotic Stressful Weekend With Wife And Kids
GASTONIA, NC — The quest to survive until Monday morning commenced Friday afternoon, as a local husband and father who…
Month: February 2025
Trump Hangs Up Sign In White House ‘You Must Be This Tall To Receive Foreign Aid’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an explosive meeting at the White House with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, President Donald Trump sought…
Trump Signs Executive Order Making Official Language Of U.S. Remedial English
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed…
Zelensky Tries Bold New Strategy Of Insulting The People He’s Begging For Money From
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unusual tactic rarely seen in high-level negotiations, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky decided to try insulting…
Artist Profile: Tate McRae
Read MoreThe OnionTate McRae, the artist behind the pop hit “Greedy,” has released her second studio album, So Close To…
Study Finds 98% Of Parenting Just Deciding If That’s Good Or Bad Screaming
PRINCETON, NJ — According to a new study, researchers have confirmed that approximately 98% of all parenting is just deciding…
NOAA Cuts Leave Wind Chimes As Sole Predictor Of Approaching Hurricanes
Read MoreThe OnionSILVER SPRING, MD—As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed…
Zelensky Kicking Himself For Not Wearing His More Formal Olive Green T-Shirt To White House Meeting
WASHINGTON, D.C. — It was a difficult day for Volodymyr Zelenskyy, as he had been summoned to the White House…
Trump Assures PM Starmer England Still His Favorite Muslim Country
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump extended an olive branch to the United Kingdom on Thursday, telling Prime Minister Keir…
‘Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,’ Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things
Read MoreThe OnionCLEVELAND—In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no…